Election 2008
Obama Invites Snipers to Inauguration
WASHINGTON — Keeping with his message of inclusion, President-elect Barack Obama has invited a group of thirteen snipers from around the country to attend his inauguration.
More Election 2008
Blagojevich appoints penis to U.S. Senate
Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has appointed his penis to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.
Obama’s Senate Seat for Sale on eBay
SPRINGFIELD, IL — After the disclosure of Governor Blagojevich’s plan to accept a bribe in exchange for the senate seat vacated by Barack Obama, Ilinois state legislators decided to take the appointing powers out of the hands of the governor. “We weren’t completely against the idea of making money from an appointment,” said State Senator Joe Bolo, “but we wanted to do it in a fair and transparent manner. That’s when we decided to list the seat for sale on ebay.”
Mormons Teach Gay Marriage to Children
SACRAMENTO, CA — Over 10 million California grade school students have been introduced to the subject of same-sex marriage by repeated viewings of TV ads for California’s Gay Marriage Initiative, known as Proposition 8, which was funded largely by the Mormon Church. “I didn’t know what being gay was,” said Timmy Schroeder, a third grader [...]
Racists Disappointed in Election Outcome
SCOURGE, AR — A gathering of racists at a local diner expressed their disappointment at the election of Barack Obama. Mechanic Alden Miremount said he was disillusioned as he watched his dream of an all-white America fade as the nation elected its first black president. “We’ve worked so hard for so many years,” said Miremount, “to deny [...]
Biden Tells Supporters Okay to Stay Home
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections. “Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re ahead by ten points. There’s no reason to sweat getting to the [...]
Palin Caught in Prank Jesus Call
JUNEAU, AK — Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin had a brief phone conversation with a man she believed was Jesus Christ, who promised to make her president in 2012. The call was later revealed to be a prank. “The voice sounded like it could easily have been that of our lord and savior,” said Palin. [...]
Harassing Phone Calls Linked to McCain
PHOENIX, AZ — Backers of Senator Barack Obama have been receiving anonymous phone calls, assailing them with vulgar language and crude remarks. The RNC and McCain campaign have denied any knowledge of the calls, but Senator Obama wants an investigation. Over two-hundred such calls, placed between the hours of 8:00 and 9:00 pm (CST), have [...]
The Academy of Sarah Palin Look-Alikes
Ever wonder where all those Sarah Palin look-alikes come from?
‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust her to do a better job with her own money than the government, but under Senator Obama’s tax policies, she wouldn’t have enough cash to pay her rent, compensate her pimp and purchase a supply of clean needles. “
McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy
NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator. The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred dollar bills, would be coming from private sources. “That’s the beauty of [...]
Gov. Palin to be Replaced with SNL’s Tina Fey
NEW YORK — In yet another stunning announcement from the McCain campaign, the Republican presidential nominee said that he will be replacing his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with Tina Fey, the writer-producer-actor who portrayed Palin in a series of sketches on Saturday Night Live. “Ms. Fey has all the charm and wit of [...]
McCain Interviews Writers for Concession Speech
SEDONA, AZ — John McCain is currently seeking writers for his November 4th concession speech. “It’s important to the American people that a concession speech come across as sincere to the voters and contrite to his supporters,” said Senator McCain. “I’ll be selecting from some of the best writers in the country, and will start [...]
Russian Plans to Invade Alaskan Air Space Thwarted by Governor Palin
WASILLA, AK– A secret Russian military operation designed to fly President Putin through Alaskan airspace and return him safely to Moscow was thwarted by Governor Sarah Palin, when she went on a major American television network and revealed the plan.
Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election
NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea. “In this precarious economic time, it is important to put politics behind us and work [...]
New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama
PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is.
“Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s skin,” said McCain. “I am proud to be a black American. The tint of my exterior may reflect my albino heritage, but in my heart I am blacker than the decaying infra-structure of our inner cities.”
Bush Appoints Self for Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term.
Pelosi on Palin: Way too Young
WASHINGTON — Representative Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives and second in line for the presidency, expressed her disappointment in the selection of Sarah Palin as the Republican VP candidate, saying that John McCain, 72, should have selected a running mate who is “even older than he is.” Praising McCain as an aging war [...]
Disorganized Community Seeks Return of Obama
POETS BEND, IL — “Bring back Barack!” came the cries from this small town on the southside of Chicago, where, as a young man, Barack Obama once served as a community organizer. In the intervening years, however, this erstwhile well-kempt community, previously organized with such love and compassion by the Senator from Illinois, has become [...]
Lipstick-Wearing Pig Offended by McCain Comments
FAIRFAX, VA — John McCain accused Senator Obama today of making a disparaging reference to Gov. Sarah Palin by uttering the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” This offended Osco, a locally raised, lipstick-wearing pig from a farm in Canton. “Wearing lipstick is a personal choice,” said Osco. “But to [...]
Sarah Palin to Celebrate Election Victory by Getting Pregnant
LEBANON, Ohio — Gov. Sarah Palin expects to win the vice presidency of the United States, and when she does, her fist order of business is to get herself “in a family way” — again. “How wonderful it would be to conceive a child in the Vice President’s residence?” asked Palin, a mother of two [...]
Hillary Voters Change Minds About Important Issues to Vote for Palin
PHILADELPHIA, PA — A surprising BSN poll conducted this morning indicated that almost half of the women who supported Hillary Clinton in the primaries have dramatically changed their opinions on major liberal issues, just so they can vote for Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin in November. From coast to coast, these erstwhile liberal Democrats, [...]
McCain Reenacts Crucifixion to Gain Evangelical Vote
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — John McCain today had himself nailed to a huge wooden cross — with the exact dimensions as the one used for Jesus — in order to prove his devoutness to the still skeptical evangelical electorate. “This is nothing,” said the Senator from Arizona. “Once you’ve spent seven years in solitary confinemen inside [...]
McCain Names Cheerleader Secretary of State
MINNEAPOLIS – On the tails of his controversial vice-presidential selection, Senator John McCain has made yet another startling announcement, this time telling an audience of steelworkers that 16-year-old Emma Rae Schurr of Bulls Gap, Tennessee will be his Secretary of State. Ms. Schurr is a junior at Robert E. Lee High School, where she captains [...]
Psychic Predicts Complete Text of McCain Acceptance Speech
ST. PAUL, MN / SPECIAL TO THE SKUNK — The head psychic on staff at TheSkunk.org has peered into the mind of John McCain to obtain the highly guarded acceptance speech he will be delivering tonight at the Republican Convention. What follows is the full speech, pieced together directly from Senator McCain’s head, transcribed in [...]
Palin’s Three-Year-Old Daughter Pregnant
Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin announced today that her three-year-old daughter, Sniglet, is four-months pregnant.
McCain Gaining Ground with Lunatic Fringe
MINNEAPOLIS — Sen. John McCain’s polling numbers have remained consistent over the last four months, with the exception of one category, The Lunatic Fringe, where he is steadily gaining ground. A recent BSN poll showed that McCain is winning the vote of crazies, dingbats and sociopaths by 63%, which shows a significant increase of 22% [...]
McCain Taps Beauty Queen to Rally Horny Vote
DAYTON, OH — With the announcement of Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska — a runner-up in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant — as his choice for vice president, Senator John McCain believes he is making progress in bringing the “horny” vote to his camp. “In my search for a running mate, I realized there was one [...]
Obama Offers Clinton Cabinet Position
DENVER, CO – In a conciliatory gesture to his opponent, Senator Obama today reached out to Senator Clinton by offering her the cabinet position of “Secretary of Sewing,” which he said he created “just for Hillary.” Although bypassing her for the number two spot on the ticket, Senator Obama said he nevertheless values Sen. Clinton’s experience and [...]
