Election 2008
McCain Selects Obama for Running Mate
ARIZONA – In a surprise move early this morning, Sen. John McCain announced that Barack Obama will be his running mate for the 2008 presidential election. “He brings a lot of voters with him,” said McCain. “He’s stronger on the economy than I am, and together the two of us would make an unbeatable team [...]
More Election 2008
Obama Chooses Self for V.P.
DENVER, CO — In a stunning turn of events early this morning, Senator Barack Obama announced that he would be his own running mate in the 2008 Presidential elections. “I’ve met with all the potential Vice Presidential candidates on my short list,” said Obama. “All very fine people, but I felt in the end that [...]
McCain Drilling Plan: Pump Oil Directly into Ocean
NEW ORLEANS, LA — John McCain announced today a plan for offshore rigs to pump oil directly into the ocean.
McCain Vetting VPs over Strip Poker
John McCain will be hosting an evening of strip poker at his ranch in Sedona, Arizona.
McCain Sets New Record for Use of Term “Surge”
LOS ANGELES – Before an audience of mostly independent voters, Senator John McCain mentioned the word “Surge” four-hundred, eighteen times, setting a new record for an American politician to use a meaningless catch phrase in a single speech. The previous record was held by Ronald Reagan, who uttered “I do not recall” in 314 responses [...]
McCain to Defend Georgia with “Surge of One”
WASHINGTON, DC — John McCain has volunteered to pilot an F-16 to confront the Russian army and put an end to the fighting in Georgia. The senator would be the sole U.S. military response to the conflict. McCain characterized the mission as a “Surge of One,” enabling him to push the Russians back to their [...]
McCain Rejects Endorsement from Talking Jesus Head
CLEVELAND, OH – Senator McCain rejected yet another religious endorsement, today, this time from a battery-operated, talking Jesus head. Purchased by McCain for 29.95, “The Submissive Jesus” speaks 100 random phrases, such as, “Just wait ‘til your heavenly father gets home” and “Don’t make me mad, you wouldn’t like me when I’m mad.” Supporters observed [...]
Bill Clinton Kicks Reporter’s Ass
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — A reporter was nearly beaten to death last night after a confrontation with former president Bill Clinton, who was vacationing in the resort town with his family.
Barack Obama to Open for Led Zeppelin
CHICAGO — Barack Obama will be the opening act for Led Zeppelin’s “Man Are We Old” 2009 World Reunion tour, replacing Toto, the aging rock band that broke up earlier this year. The Senator’s three-hour and seventy-five minute presentation will include audience favorites such as “Hope Early, Hope Often,” “I Don’t Look Like The Presidents [...]
McCain Advises Iraqi Pilots to Get Shot Down
Recounting how his own Naval record — being shot out of the sky as a young pilot, his subsequent capture by the enemy and incarceration inside a North Vietnamese prison — has made him uniquely qualified to be commander-in-chief, Republican presidential hopeful John McCain told an audience of veterans that the Iraqi military will not [...]
New Bush Advisor: Obama
Citing Barack Obama’s “wisdom beyond his years,” President Bush revealed today that he will be heeding the senator’s advice and counsel over the remaining months of his presidency. According to a White House insider, the president watches every speech made by Senator Obama, whose televised appearances now rival old episodes of “The Dukes of Hazard” [...]
McCain Gets 58% of Jowl Vote
In a natiowide survey conducted Tuesday, John McCain received the support of 58% of Americans with droopy jowls.
McCain to Form Committee on Pandering
John McCain has formed a committee to track down Americans to whom he has not yet pandered. McCain said there are still many sections of the American population who have yet to hear his message tailored just for them. According to a top campaign aide, “The McCain Committee on Pandering will locate unpandered-to populations within [...]
The Onion Endorses Kucinich
“The Onion” has officially endorsed Congressman Dennis Kucinich for president.
Obama’s Pastor Damns Local Teacher
As a follow-up to his widely viewed performance on YouTube, where he instructed God to “Damn America,” Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Senator Obama’s controversial former pastor, is now seeking damnation of specific places within the United States.
McCain Designs New Logo for Obama
In a growing sign of good sportsmanship between the candidates, John McCain presented Barack Obama with a new campaign logo. Designed by Sen. McCain, it depicts a stylized happy face created from circles and stripes deconstructed from the original logo.
Clinton Fundraiser: Win a Date with Hillary
Senator Hillary Clinton, desperate to pay off campaign debts and stay in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, has come up with a creative approach to campaign financing with her “Win a Date with Hillary” promotion. Donors who contribute one-hundred dollars or more are entered into a weekly drawing. One winner each week, selected [...]
McCain Rejects McCheese Endorsement
John McCain rejected an endorsement today by that well-known icon of the fast-food world, Mayor McCheese. “On behalf of all us here in McBurger Land,” said McCheese at a press conference earlier in the week, “I wholeheartedly endorse McCain for McChief.” But that endorsement was short-lived when a video emerged on YouTube showing McCheese discussing [...]
Deception Called in McCain Ads
The John McCain campaign is being accused of deception in its advertising, by utilizing images of a fit and trim young man and claiming that it’s the senator. “These images show up repeatedly in several of his ads,” according to Joseph Stubin of the Institute for Campaign Honesty. “In one ad, for example, the man [...]
Will Christ be McCain’s Running Mate?
Florida Governor Charlie Crist will be making the case that he should be John McCain’s running mate, by legally adding an “H” to his last name. The strategy is designed to attract the evangelical vote, long seen as an area of weakness for the McCain campaign. “I’m going to be ‘Vice President Christ,’” said the [...]
McCain’s Gay Twin Exposed
One of the best kept secrets in Washington was revealed yesterday when John McCain’s heretofore unknown identical twin brother came forward to announce his existence and the fact that he is gay. “I am here, I am queer, and yes, I am a McCain,” said Leopold McCain, to a stunned audience. Leopold so resembles his [...]
Creators of Super Delegate System to Revamp Tax Code
The DNC staffers who came up with the baffling “Super Delegate” nominating process have been tapped by the federal government to revamp the tax code.
Cindy McCain to Hubby: Win or I’m Out
The wife of presidential candidate John McCain has given the senator an ultimatum: Either he wins the election in November, or she’s seeking a divorce. “I’m an attractive, younger woman, with plenty of ‘hot years’ left in her,” said Cindy McCain. “A woman like me doesn’t commit herself to a shlumpy, pile of skin like [...]
McCain Plans to Visit his Grade School Teachers
After watching American Idol finalist David Cook pay a warm and loving visit to his former elementary school music teacher on the hit Fox TV show last night, John McCain decided to visit his own grade school teachers. Riding in his campaign bus through his hometown in Northern Virginia, the erstwhile schoolboy stared out his [...]
McCain Beatable by Anyone, Everyone
A poll taken in the first week of May suggests that John McCain would not only lose to either Senators Obama or Clinton if the elections were held today, but anyone else who ran against him. In a list of over one-hundred hypothetical opponents, all of them faired better than the senator from Arizona. Against [...]
Sexual Tension Good for Party Says Former President
Former President Bill Clinton says the sexual tension between his wife, Senator Hillary Clinton, and Senator Barack Obama is good for the Democratic Party. At a rally in Charleston, West Virginia, the former president told his audience, “You can see it in the little wink of an eye or the seductive smile that Senator Obama [...]
Super Delegate Can’t Fly
A Democratic National Committee “Super Delegate” from Tennessee, suffered severe fractures to his skull, ribs, arms and legs Thursday, after jumping from a fourth floor window at the DNC Headquarters in Nashville, in his attempt to “fly faster than a speeding bullet.”
McCain to Balance Budget with Nigerian Advance-Fee Plan
WASHINGTON, DC — Senator John McCain announced an unexpected windfall profit is headed our way and he will use it to pay off the national debt.
Satan Distances Himself from Rev. Wright
In a press release issued yesterday, Satan has distanced himself from Reverend Jeremiah Wright, the contentious Chicago pastor who created a maelstrom of controversy for his former congregant, Senator Barack Obama. Satan said that although he has been the “lifelong spiritual mentor” to Reverend Wright, he can no longer condone the recent comments made by [...]
