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Toyota Camry sprouts wings, flies into 61st floor of Empire State Building
NEW YORK — A Toyota Camry sprouted wings and flew uncontrollably from a highway in Massachusetts into the 61st floor of the Empire State Building over the weekend. The driver, identified as Melvin Carlyle, was traveling
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Wal-Mart seeks to hire its first Jew
BENTONVILLE, AR – Desiring to showcase its commitment to diversity, Wal-Mart is looking to hire a Jew in one of its 4200 stores nationwide. “We are reaching out to the
Toyota blames acceleration problem on faulty cup holders
Driver at risk of peeing on himself. NAGOYA/DETROIT — Toyota announced today is has identified a defect in the design of its cup holders as the source of acceleration
TheSkunk.org Squeaks to 2nd Place in Annual Humorfeed Satire Awards
Editor-in-Chief Braddon Mendelson swears it’s a real award, and not something he made up just to drive more viewers to his website. Jan 28, 2010 – The name of Bernard Madoff, the disgraced Wall Street scam artist currently rotting away inside a federal prison, was resurrected yesterday when an article
Kellogg’s orders recall after child finds toy inside cereal
BATTLE CREEK, MI — Kellogg’s has recalled two-million cases of Frosted Flakes after an eight-year-old child discovered a toy car hidden inside the cereal. Third
Compulsive masturbator banned from sperm bank
DENVER – An area man has been banned from making further donations to the Heritage Sperm Repository. According to records, Oliver Kertockum visited the clinic every day for the last three years. When he arrived last Friday, however, staffers refused to hand over the sterile collection cup, and instead
Demolition company hiring suicide bombers
PLAINS, GA — Abelson Demolitions is looking for a few good suicide bombers. For the last half century, this world-renowned demolitions company has been using its cutting-edge
Tiger Woods to endorse sperm bank
DENVER — On the heels of Gatorade and other major companies terminating their sponsorship agreements with Tiger Woods, the Heritage Sperm Repository of Colorado Springs
Bank to offer free anal sex with checking
NEW YORK – One of the nation’s top financial institutions is offering its customers free anal sex when they open a new account. “There’s a lot of talk
Man gives right nut for a beer
GARDEN GROVE, CA – Lee Joseph Flanders told the clerk at the corner liquor store last Wednesday that he was so thirsty he would “give his right nut for a beer,”
Proctor & Gamble facing lawsuit over “Ethnic Cleanser”
In a press release issued today, Proctor & Gamble Co. announced its latest product, “Ethnic Cleanser,” would not be available for Christmas as originally planned. Launch
New Pepsi beverage made from tuna and beans
PURCHASE, NY — Banking on consumers so unquenched they’ll drink anything, PepsiCo announced today production of a new carbonated beverage made from refried beans and tuna fish. The product description, available
Pie donations down at clown colleges
Despite the growing need, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S. “This is an urgent concern for our students,” said BoBo, Dean of the National Clown Institute. “We depend on donations of pies – particularly coconut cream and lemon meringue – to continue
Tell-all book claims ‘Onion’ articles made-up
NEW YORK — A book scheduled for release next week claims The Onion makes up all its stories just to get a laugh. In “Sautéed, Peeled and Fried,” former copy
Budweiser hires Congressman Wilson for ‘Rudest Man’ commercials
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC), who shot to fame by hollering “You lie!” during President Obama’s speech on healthcare, has been tapped to appear in a series of Budweiser commercials as the “Rudest Man in America.” The spots, a spoof of the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man
Advertisers slow down commercials for DVR users
NEW YORK — Having gotten wise to viewers fast-forwarding through commercials on their DVRs, the advertising industry has decided to slow down all TV ads to 25% of normal speed.
Union Bank vagina preferred over Walmart puckered anus
In a recent opinion poll, consumers preferred the new Union Bank logo, a swollen red vagina, to Walmart’s yellow puckered anus, by a margin of two-to-one. “People
Madoff seeks partnership with Ford
DURHAM, NC — Upon learning that Ford Motor Company posted a surprise second-quarter profit of $2.3 billion, convicted investment manager Bernard Madoff announced his intention to partner with the American automaker
UPS man disappointed in career choice
BALTIMORE — Deliveryman Henry Zulligan said he regrets the decision he made after graduating high school that put him behind the wheel of a brown UPS truck
Shlockheads mourn loss of pitchman Billy Mays
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Cases of OxiClean and the Handy Switch have been flying off the shelves in cities around the world, as distraught fans of the late Billy Mays try to hold onto a little bit of the departed pitchman’s magic. Mays was found dead in his Tampa, Florida home early Sunday Morning. The
Steven Jobs downloads liver update
SAN FRANCISCO — Apple CEO Steven Jobs has downloaded an update to his liver to correct serious vulnerabilities detected in the previous version. The update includes many enhancements, according to a spokesperson. “It can break down fats and produce its own cholesterol,” he said, “and can
Woman accused of changing husband’s Sleep Number
DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene Gimbleman had bought the king-size bed five years earlier as a gift for her spouse, whose lower back had been giving him problems since childhood. At
Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler
Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler DETROIT/GUANTANAMO BAY — Terrorist Abdullah Reza Mafabi, imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for conspiring with
New Microsoft automobile needs reboot
SEATTLE — Bill Gates has thrown his hat into the auto manufacturing ring, with the production of Microsoft’s first generation of consumer transportation devices, aptly named “MS Car, VER. 01.” The vehicles will feature internet connectivity and voice-activated controls. Early
GM recalling 1.5M vehicles over impalings
DETROIT — General Motors Corp. is recalling 1.5 million vehicles because of potential cranial impalings. Although no one has yet died from the impalings, sudden stops at high speeds can send a heavy metal rod piercing through a driver’s skull, according to a GM press release. “We’re
Ponzi Heirs sue Madoff for Infringement
NEW YORK — Descendants of legendary scammer Charles Ponzi (1882-1949) sued Bernard Madoff today for infringing on the rights to their patriarch’s proprietary system of bilking money from innocent investors. A so-called “Ponzi Scheme” uses money obtained from new investors to pay
Jews demote Madoff to Arab
NEW YORK — Once a highly-ranked, card-carrying Jew, Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest financial scam in history, has been reduced in rank to Arab. “So many Jewish charities were hurt because of this schmuck,” said Rabbi Moses Lieberman, head of the International Jewish
Circuit City sells last of broken shit for 50% off
HARDENBERG, KS — Circuit City has sold the last of its broken shit at amazing discounts of up to 50%. The electronics retailer is being liquidated after declaring bankruptcy last year. Buyers foraged through the store like hungry rabbits on a parsnip farm, not wanting to miss out on a deal of
