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Madoff looks forward to life after prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison. “Once I’ve repaid my debt to society,” he told reporters,” I look forward to enjoying the world of the future.” Madoff said that by the time
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Shlockheads mourn loss of pitchman Billy Mays
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Cases of OxiClean and the Handy Switch have been flying off the shelves in cities around the world, as distraught fans of the late Billy Mays try to hold onto a little bit of the departed pitchman’s magic. Mays was found dead in his Tampa, Florida home early Sunday Morning. The
Steven Jobs downloads liver update
Apple CEO Steven Jobs has downloaded an update to his liver to correct serious vulnerabilities detected in the previous version. The update includes many enhancements, according to a spokesperson. “It can break down fats and produce its own cholesterol,” he said, “and can now be used in either
Woman accused of changing husband’s Sleep Number
DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene Gimbleman had bought the king-size bed five years earlier as a gift for her spouse, whose lower back had been giving him problems since childhood. At
Craigslist to create new section for stalkers, victims
SAN FRANCISCO — Craigslist officials announced today they will be adding a new category exclusively for Stalkers and Victims, in an attempt to make their Adult Services section safer for call girls, hookers and erotic masseuses. The popular internet marketplace,
Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler
Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler DETROIT/GUANTANAMO BAY — Terrorist Abdullah Reza Mafabi, imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for conspiring with
Microsoft becomes newest automaker
SEATTLE — Bill Gates has thrown his hat into the auto manufacturing ring, with the production of Microsoft’s first generation of consumer transportation devices, aptly named “MS Car, VER. 01.” The vehicles will feature internet connectivity and voice-activated controls. Early
GM recalling 1.5M vehicles over impalings
DETROIT — General Motors Corp. is recalling 1.5 million vehicles because of potential cranial impalings. Although no one has yet died from the impalings, sudden stops at high speeds can send a heavy metal rod piercing through a driver’s skull, according to a GM press release. “We’re
Ponzi Heirs sue Madoff for Infringement
NEW YORK — Descendants of legendary scammer Charles Ponzi (1882-1949) sued Bernard Madoff today for infringing on the rights to their patriarch’s proprietary system of bilking money from innocent investors. A so-called “Ponzi Scheme” uses money obtained from new investors to
Jews demote Madoff to Arab
NEW YORK — Once a highly-ranked, card-carrying Jew, Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest financial scam in history, has been reduced in rank to Arab. “So many Jewish charities were hurt because of this schmuck,” said Rabbi Moses Lieberman, head of the International Jewish
Circuit City sells last of broken shit for 50% off
HARDENBERG, KS — Circuit City has sold the last of its broken shit at amazing discounts of up to 50%. The electronics retailer is being liquidated after declaring bankruptcy last year. Buyers foraged through the store like hungry rabbits on a parsnip farm, not wanting to miss out on a deal of
Vietnamese judge eats champion dog
NEW YORK – A Vietnamese judge for the 2009 Westminster Kennel Club ate the “Best in Show” winner, a beautiful brunette Sussex Spaniel named Stump. “I sat in that chair for hours, watching hundreds of dogs parade back and forth right in front of me,” said Tu Trung, a native
White House Touts Double-Digit Employment
WASHINGTON, DC — A new report from the White House indicates that 93% of Americans currently have jobs, superseding previous accounts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that 7% were out of work. “In only two weeks, we have gone from 7% unemployment to 93% employment,” said Speaker
New Chrysler model powered by prayer
DETROIT / LAKE FOREST, CA — Struggling to emerge from its financial woes, automobile manufacturer Chrysler LLC, in partnership with pastor Rick Warren, has introduced a new model called the Jesus Chrysler. This alternative energy vehicle forgoes the conventional gasoline engine, running
Donald Trump to Purchase Hanoi Hilton
HANOI, VIETNAM — Donald Trump has made an offer to purchase the “Hanoi Hilton,” the infamous Vietnamese prison where John McCain spent five years as a POW, and turn it into high-rise, luxury resort. The Trump Hanoi Hilton Towers and Beach Club
Obama says sale of virginity good for economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education
Congress tells Toyota, Honda, BMW to make shittier vehicles
WASHINGTON — The House Financial Services Committee issued a statement today, urging foreign car manufactures to “tone down” the quality and appeal of their products, so that the big three American car companies can compete more effectively. “If the foreign manufacturers would
Porn Industry to get $100 Billion in Federal Aid
WASHINGTON — Leaders in the adult entertainment industry, hit hard in the current recession, testified before Congress Monday, explaining the need for $100 billion dollars in government assistance to keep their various enterprises afloat. Leigh Flanders, a producer of hard-core gay videos, claimed
Automakers form Suicide Pact
DETROIT — The chief executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler, fresh from groveling to Congress to bail their respective firms out from under their mismanagement and poor judgment, have issued a statement today outlining plans for their joint suicide. Should any of the Big Three automakers be unable
GM CEO Says Employees will Work for $1 if Company Receives Bailout
DETROIT — On the heels of Ford CEO Alan Mulally’s promise to work for $1 per year if his company has to take any government loan money, GM Chief Rick Wagoner has upped the ante by telling Congress that if his firm receives bailout money, he will require all 15,000 GM employees to accept a
Madoff & Ford
At the time of his arrest, investment manager Bernard Madoff was funneling billions into Ford Motor Company to create an energy efficient, green vehicle call the Ponzi. The car was to get incredible mileage running on nothing but hype. AKPC_IDS += "3212,";
