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Conan O’Brien offered 5-minute show on NBC
BURBANK, CA — Conan O’Brien is being wooed back to NBC, this time with his very own five-minute show, to be aired nightly from 11:30 to 11:35 pm. Five Minutes with Conan is the brain child of NBC Universal President
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Haitians despondent over Simon Cowell departure from ‘Idol’
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Not even the shock of a 7.0 earthquake, which devastated this tiny island nation on Tuesday, could distract its inhabitants from the distraught that
Hollywood’s talent-challenged celebrate life of Brittany Murphy
HOLLYWOOD, Ca — Scores of unsuccessful actors, bad writers, producers of B-movies and Gary Coleman gathered today at the Hollywood Forever cemetery to celebrate
World asks: Who the f*** are Jon and Kate?
Kate & Jon in happier times HOLLYWOOD, CA — Television personalities “Jon and Kate” are the most baffling celebrities in the history of the entertainment industry,
Balloon man claims wife jammed inside cow rectum
FORT COLLINS, CO — Richard Heene, the self-proclaimed scientist who incited public outrage by deceiving authorities into believing his six-year-old son was aloft inside
Polanski to direct film based on grand jury testimony
PYONGYANG — Roman Polanski plans to direct a motion picture based on the 1977 grand jury testimony that led to his indictment on rape charges. “The transcripts read like a Gothic romance novel,” said the 76-year-old director of Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby. “It’s filled with sex, money,
Eager young models await arrival of Polanski
The pending extradition of Roman Polanksi to the United States has sent a wave of optimism over aspiring young models across America, eager to lose their virginity to
Roman Polanski: ‘I thought she was 13-and-a-half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time. “She seemed much too mature for someone of her years,” wrote the 77-year-old auteur in a letter to the French film magazine, Cahiers du Cinema.
Kanye thankful he didn’t go through with ‘entire’ plan
HOLLYWOOD — Kanye West, still recovering from his embarrassing outburst at the Video Music Awards, is grateful he didn’t go through with everything he had originally planned. The former hip-hop star revealed today that his humbling VMA experience “pales in comparison” to the humiliation he
Jackasses offended by comparison to Kanye
CALIFORNIA — An off-the-record comment by President Obama calling Kanye West a “jackass” has been rebuffed by a herd of wild donkeys in the San Bernardino Mountains, east of Los Angeles. A representative for the jackasses
French-American Man Hates Himself
SEATTLE — An arrogant French-American man expressed deep loathing for himself over the weekend. “I cannot stand my own stench,” declared Pierre Molyneux. “I never bathe
Criminals urged to apprehend themselves
LOS ANGELES — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Advertisers slow down commercials for DVR users
NEW YORK — Having gotten wise to viewers fast-forwarding through commercials on their DVRs, the advertising industry has decided to slow down all TV ads to 25% of normal speed.
Writers’ union to euthanize strike breakers
LOS ANGELES — The Writers Guild of America, the collective bargaining organization for professional Hollywood screen and television writers, has published a list of three of its members who will
‘lectronic Overload
iPhone got you down? Internet keeping you up at night? Technology tiring you out? You might have a case of ‘lectronic Overload. An original Music Video from TheSkunk.org. ‘lectronic Overload Written by Anne DeVenzio and Braddon Mendelson Performed by Anne DeVenzio Featuring Scott Douglas
Katie Holmes to play Nicole Kidman in Cruise biopic
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Katie Holmes has been cast in the role of Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise’s first wife, in a biographical motion picture about the life of the leading man. “She wasn’t our first choice,” admitted director Chris Columbus, “but Tom wanted her to play Nicole and he was relentless
Rush Limbaugh regrets not holding Michael Jackson
NEW YORK — In his nationally syndicated radio program, Rush Limbaugh regretted not holding Michael Jackson in his arms before the pop idol passed away last month. The conservative talk show host said he had met the King
New rules allow celebrities to die four at a time
New rules issued today make it okay for public figures to kick the bucket in groups of four. For years the rich and famous “departed this worldly plane” in groups of three, according to a press release from the Kharmic Fame Center. “That system had been adequate for the last several centuries,”
Michael Jackson to be buried in little boy’s ass
ENCINO, CA — Pop icon Michael Jackson has proven to be as unconventional in death as he was in life. According to a Jackson family spokesperson, once the King of Pop’s remains are cremated, his ashes will be laid to
Premature ejaculator gets second date
PITTSBURGH – High school senior Sean Allwinter prematurely ejaculated in his pants last Friday while on a first date with classmate Brenda Hendricks. Now she has agreed to go out with him again. Brenda said the incident didn’t upset her at all, conluding that her leg “must have brushed
Moviegoer unwilling to suspend his disbelief
SAN DIEGO — Collin McArthur has never enjoyed going to a movie because he finds the characters and stories on the screen completely unbelievable, calling the whole experience “just a big waste of time.” McArthur, 53, was born with a rare inability to submit himself to “the willing suspension
Tito Jackson seeks to replace brother as ‘King of Pop’
LOS ANGELES — Tito Jackson declared himself the new King of Pop today, promising to fill the void in fans’ hearts left by the death of his superstar younger brother. “Of course, I never wanted my brother to die,” said Tito, “but I always thought — in the back of my
Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams slighted in Jackson will
HOLLYWOOD — Performers Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams expressed their indignation today at being excluded from Michael Jackson’s will. “We weren’t mentioned once,” said an incensed Diahann Carroll, whose career spans five decades in the television, film and music industries,
Jackson’s black body also found dead
LOS ANGELES – In a sad turn of events, the black body of Michael Jackson was found dead Wednesday, less than a week after his white one departed. The black body apparently died sometime in the 1980s.
Madoff looks forward to life after prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison. “Once I’ve repaid my debt to society,” he told reporters,” I look forward to enjoying the world of the
Bits of plastic found in backyard may be from Target
BILLINGS, MT — A Montana couple found bits of broken plastic buried on their property that appear to have been parts of disposable forks and knives from a retail Target store. Marv and Harriet Semipole were digging in their backyard, preparing the soil for their annual tomato planting, when they
Plans intact for Michael Jackson to appear in concert
LONDON – Faced with the possibility of refunding $85 million in tickets sales, promoters for the concert series that Michael Jackson was preparing for at the time of his death have decided to honor the 750,000 pre-sold tickets and move forward with the shows. Jackson’s “That Was It”
Ayatollah accused of rigging ‘Iranian Idol’ contest
TEHRAN — Iranian Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Khamenei has been accused of rigging the results of the popular TV competition “Iranian Idol.” After singer Fazlullah Mehani amazed Iranian viewers during the season finale with his stirring rendition of “More than a Feeling,” fans
Woman accused of changing husband’s Sleep Number
DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene Gimbleman had bought the king-size bed five years earlier as a gift for her spouse, whose lower back had been giving him problems since childhood. At
