Crime
Explosion at Sugar Refinery Causes Carameltdown
SWEETWATER, TX — An explosion at a major sugar refinery occurred last night, as stunned employees stared on with glazed expressions.
More Crime
Everyone in Loan Business Going to Prison
WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — The U.S. Department of Justice today announced major prosecutorial action against the entire banking industry.
Murder-Suicide Attempt Thwarted when Suspect Kills Self First
SEATTLE (TheSkunk.org) — The plans of a disgruntled accountant to kill his co-workers with a handgun and then take his own life were foiled Thursday, when the distraught and confused sociopath mistakenly pulled the trigger on himself first.
Pedophiles Claim 2nd Amendment Protection
The National Pedophile Association says kidnapping and rape are constitutionally protected activities under the 2nd Amendment’s “Right to Bear Arms” clause.
Same Investigator Overlooked Garrido and Madoff
SAN FRANCISCO — The same government investigator who failed to uncover the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by convicted Wall Street scammer Bernard Madoff, also neglected to notice the backyard sex prison operated by paroled rapist Phillip Garrido.
Criminals Urged to Apprehend Themselves
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Madoff Looks Forward to Life After Prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison.
Woman Accused of Changing Husband’s ‘Sleep Number’
DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene Gimbleman had bought the king-size bed five years earlier as a gift for her spouse, whose lower back had been giving him problems since childhood.
Craigslist to Create New Section for Stalkers, Victims
SAN FRANCISCO — Craigslist officials announced today they will be adding a new category exclusively for Stalkers and Victims, in an attempt to make their Adult Services section safer for call girls, hookers and erotic masseuses.
Gunman Targets Online University
THE INTERNET — Armed with a single Xbox controller, an assailant went on a rampage at Allerman Online University, firing hundreds of virtual rounds at student avatars and targeting the school’s About page and interactive flash instructions.
University Gunman Misses Everyone
BLOOMINGTON, IN — An armed gunman who went on a rampage at Indiana University on Thursday was unable to inflict injuries to anyone, despite firing hundreds of rounds into a crowded campus rally.
Obama Approves Sandwich-Boarding
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists.
Somali Pirates Based on Disney Movie, Ride
HORN OF AFRICA — Referring to themselves as rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves, modern-day Somalian pirates have fashioned themselves after characters from Disney’s “Pirates of the Carribbean.”
Man Ticketed for Parking Too Long at Meter
DENVER — A Colorado motorist was given a citation from a local law enforcement officer for leaving his car parked at a curbside meter several minutes after the time had expired.
Ponzi Heirs Sue Madoff for Infringement
NEW YORK — Descendants of legendary scammer Charles Ponzi (1882-1949) sued Bernard Madoff today for infringing on the rights to their patriarch’s proprietary system of bilking money from innocent investors.
Warren Jeffs Finds Republicanism in Prison
Disgraced cult leader and delusional kiddie-pimp Warren Jeffs converted to Republicanism.
New Evidence of Kennedy Conspiracy
Researchers are at odds over whether Senator Ted Kennedy’s brain tumor originated from the back of his head or the top of his forehead.
