Pedophiles Claim 2nd Amendment Protection
The National Pedophile Association says kidnapping and rape are constitutionally protected activities under the 2nd Amendment’s “Right to Bear Arms” clause.
Crime
Same Investigator Overlooked Garrido and Madoff
SAN FRANCISCO — The same government investigator who failed to uncover the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by convicted Wall Street scammer Bernard Madoff, also neglected to notice the backyard sex prison operated by paroled rapist Phillip Garrido.
Criminals Urged to Apprehend Themselves
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Madoff Looks Forward to Life After Prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison.
Woman Accused of Changing Husband's 'Sleep Number'
DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene Gimbleman had bought the king-size bed five years earlier as a gift for her spouse, whose lower back had been giving him problems since childhood.
Craigslist to Create New Section for Stalkers, Victims
SAN FRANCISCO — Craigslist officials announced today they will be adding a new category exclusively for Stalkers and Victims, in an attempt to make their Adult Services section safer for call girls, hookers and erotic masseuses.
Gunman Targets Online University
THE INTERNET — Armed with a single Xbox controller, an assailant went on a rampage at Allerman Online University, firing hundreds of virtual rounds at student avatars and targeting the school’s About page and interactive flash instructions.
University Gunman Misses Everyone
BLOOMINGTON, IN — An armed gunman who went on a rampage at Indiana University on Thursday was unable to inflict injuries to anyone, despite firing hundreds of rounds into a crowded campus rally.
Obama Approves Sandwich-Boarding
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists.
Somali Pirates Based on Disney Movie, Ride
HORN OF AFRICA — Referring to themselves as rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves, modern-day Somalian pirates have fashioned themselves after characters from Disney’s “Pirates of the Carribbean.”
