Section » Election 2008
Specter switches genders
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females. “I have found of late that I am identifying more closely with the women in the
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Republicans File Bankruptcy in Court of Ideas
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican National Committee filed for bankruptcy today in the U.S. Court of Ideas, citing decades of doctrines that don’t work and an inability to generate new thoughts and workable models for society. The GOP has been operating on an idea deficit for decades,
Obama wants citizens to print their own money
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City. “This financial crisis is just too big for our resources in Washington,”
Republican Senators approve tax breaks for Canadians
OTTAWA — Dissatisfied with the stimulus package that made its way through Congress, and the lack of conservative input contained therein, Republican senators voted unanimously over the weekend to give tax breaks to Canadians. “Since we were unable to convince our colleagues, or a majority
Bush DNA cleansed from White House
WASHINGTON, DC — No sooner had he been sworn into office than President Barack Obama ordered his staff to remove all traces of his predecessor George W. Bush’s DNA from every room of the White House. “It was clear from the start that Obama planned on overturning all of the former
Obama says sale of virginity good for economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education
Obama’s Senate Seat for Sale on eBay
SPRINGFIELD, IL — After the disclosure of Governor Blagojevich’s plan to accept a bribe in exchange for the senate seat vacated by Barack Obama, Ilinois state legislators decided to take the appointing powers out of the hands of the governor. “We weren’t completely against
“Black Friday” to be Renamed Under Obama
CHICAGO — As one of his first orders as President of the United States, Barack Obama pledged to rename “Black Friday” — the first day after Thanksgiving in which most retailers begin making a profit — as “Multiracial Friday.” “The racial divides in America
Republicans, Nazis Talk Merger
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it was in preliminary talks with the American Nazi Party to merge into a single cohesive entity, to be known simply as “Extreme Nazis.” “The new party would embrace our common bonds,” said Ed DeLampurdoe,
Mormons Okay Gay Polygamy
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — In a compromise to the gay and lesbian community, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said it would be willing to amend the controversial Proposition 8 initiative to allow same-sex marriages with multiple spouses. “We feel this is a compromise that can end
Racists Disappointed in Election Outcome
SCOURGE, AR — A gathering of racists at a local diner expressed their disappointment at the election of Barack Obama. Mechanic Alden Miremount said he was disillusioned as he watched his dream of an all-white America fade as the nation elected its first black president. “We’ve worked
Biden Tells Supporters Okay to Stay Home
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections. “Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re
Palin Caught in Prank Jesus Call
JUNEAU, AK — Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin had a brief phone conversation with a man she believed was Jesus Christ, who promised to make her president in 2012. The call was later revealed to be a prank. “The voice sounded like it could easily have been that of our lord
Harassing Phone Calls Linked to McCain
PHOENIX, AZ — Backers of Senator Barack Obama have been receiving anonymous phone calls, assailing them with vulgar language and crude remarks. The RNC and McCain campaign have denied any knowledge of the calls, but Senator Obama wants an investigation. Over two-hundred such calls, placed between
‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust
McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy
NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator. The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred
Gov. Palin to be Replaced with SNL’s Tina Fey
NEW YORK — In yet another stunning announcement from the McCain campaign, the Republican presidential nominee said that he will be replacing his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with Tina Fey, the writer-producer-actor who portrayed Palin in a series of sketches on Saturday Night
McCain Interviews Writers for Concession Speech
SEDONA, AZ — John McCain is currently seeking writers for his November 4th concession speech. “It’s important to the American people that a concession speech come across as sincere to the voters and contrite to his
Russian Plans to Invade Alaskan Air Space Thwarted by Governor Palin
WASILLA, AK– A secret Russian military operation designed to fly President Putin through Alaskan airspace and return him safely to Moscow was thwarted by Governor Sarah Palin, when she went on a major American television network and revealed the plan. “As Putin rears his head and comes
Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election
NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea. “In this precarious economic time,
New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama
PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is. “Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s
Bush Appoints Self for Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term. Calling the November elections
Pelosi on Palin: Way too Young
WASHINGTON — Representative Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives and second in line for the presidency, expressed her disappointment in the selection of Sarah Palin as the Republican VP candidate, saying that John McCain, 72, should have
Proposition 95
Confused about Proposition 95? This political commercial might help. But we doubt it. © 2008 TheSkunk.org and Noisivision, Inc. AKPC_IDS += "1214,";
Disorganized Community Seeks Return of Obama
POETS BEND, IL — “Bring back Barack!” came the cries from this small town on the southside of Chicago, where, as a young man, Barack Obama once served as a community organizer. In the intervening years, however, this erstwhile well-kempt community,
Lipstick-Wearing Pig Offended by McCain Comments
FAIRFAX, VA — John McCain accused Senator Obama today of making a disparaging reference to Gov. Sarah Palin by uttering the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” This offended Osco, a locally raised, lipstick-wearing pig
Sarah Palin to Celebrate Election Victory by Getting Pregnant
LEBANON, Ohio — Gov. Sarah Palin expects to win the vice presidency of the United States, and when she does, her fist order of business is to get herself “in a family way” — again. “How wonderful it would be to conceive a child in the
Warren Jeffs Finds Republicanism in Prison
DRAPER, UT — Disgraced cult leader and delusional kiddie-pimp, Warren Jeffs, currently serving 10 years to life at Utah State Prison, has started a fresh chapter in his life with the declaration of his newly inspired devotion to the Republican party. Jeffs
McCain Reenacts Crucifixion to Gain Evangelical Vote
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — John McCain today had himself nailed to a huge wooden cross — with the exact dimensions as the one used for Jesus — in order to prove his devoutness to the still
