Election 2008
Mormons Okay Gay Polygamy
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — In a compromise to the gay and lesbian community, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said it would be willing to amend the controversial Proposition 8 initiative to allow same-sex marriages with multiple spouses.
“We feel this is a compromise that can end the controversy over Proposition 8 once and [...]
Court Orders Joe the Plumber Back to Anonymity
CLEVELAND — Joe the Plumber, the entrepreneur used as an example of an everyman by former presidential candidate John McCain, made it clear he wanted to extend his fifteen minutes of fame by persuing book deals and tv contracts, but a federal court today ordered him back to the recesses of anonymity.
Judge Barry Tipton said [...]
Racists Disappointed in Election Outcome
SCOURGE, AR — A gathering of racists at a local diner expressed their disappointment at the election of Barack Obama.
Mechanic Alden Miremount said he was disillusioned as he watched his dream of an all-white America fade as the nation elected its first black president. “We’ve worked so hard for so many years,” said Miremount, “to deny liberty [...]
Biden Tells Supporters Okay to Stay Home
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections.
“Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re ahead by ten points. There’s no reason to sweat getting to the polls [...]
Palin Caught in Prank Jesus Call
JUNEAU, AK — Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin had a brief phone conversation with a man she believed was Jesus Christ, who promised to make her president in 2012. The call was later revealed to be a prank.
“The voice sounded like it could easily have been that of our lord and savior,” said Palin. ”He [...]
Harassing Phone Calls Linked to McCain
PHOENIX, AZ — Backers of Senator Barack Obama have been receiving anonymous phone calls, assailing them with vulgar language and crude remarks. The RNC and McCain campaign have denied any knowledge of the calls, but Senator Obama wants an investigation.
Over two-hundred such calls, placed between the hours of 8:00 and 9:00 pm (CST), have been [...]
U.S. Gov’t Pays $4 Million Dollars to Joe the Plumber for Replacement of Washer
WASHINGTON, DC — The Government Accounting Office reported today that the man McCain refers to as “Joe the Plumber” has been paid $4 million dollars from the U.S. government to replace a washer at a military facility in New Jersey.
The famous plumber told reporters that he was contacted by the Trenton Naval Weapons Station to [...]
‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust her to do a better job with her own money than the government, but under Senator Obama’s tax policies, she wouldn’t have enough cash to pay her rent, compensate her pimp and purchase a supply of clean needles. “
McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy
NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator.
The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred dollar bills, would be coming from private sources. “That’s the beauty of it,” [...]
Gov. Palin to be Replaced with SNL’s Tina Fey
NEW YORK — In yet another stunning announcement from the McCain campaign, the Republican presidential nominee said that he will be replacing his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with Tina Fey, the writer-producer-actor who portrayed Palin in a series of sketches on Saturday Night Live.
“Ms. Fey has all the charm and wit of Governor [...]
