Campaign Issues
McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy
NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator.
The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred dollar bills, would be coming from private sources. “That’s the beauty of it,” [...]
Bush Appoints Self for Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term.
Calling the November elections a “distraction from the serious work of the White House,” the president signed on for another four years, with “unlimited options to renew.”
As a result of the announcement, [...]
McCain Reenacts Crucifixion to Gain Evangelical Vote
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — John McCain today had himself nailed to a huge wooden cross — with the exact dimensions as the one used for Jesus — in order to prove his devoutness to the still skeptical evangelical electorate.
“This is nothing,” said the Senator from Arizona. “Once you’ve spent seven years in solitary confinemen inside a [...]
Obama Offers Clinton Cabinet Position
DENVER, CO - In a conciliatory gesture to his opponent, Senator Obama today reached out to Senator Clinton by offering her the cabinet position of “Secretary of Sewing,” which he said he created “just for Hillary.”
Although bypassing her for the number two spot on the ticket, Senator Obama said he nevertheless values Sen. Clinton’s experience and she [...]
John McCain Ad | War is Good
John McCain’s new political commercial.
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Obama’s Pastor Damns Local Teacher
As a follow-up to his widely viewed performance on YouTube, where he instructed God to “Damn America,” Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Senator Obama’s controversial former pastor, is now seeking damnation of specific places within the United States.
In a sermon last night, Rev. Wright asked God to damn Arizona, Delaware, Florida and Montana.” Then he went on [...]
McCain Designs New Logo for Obama
In a growing sign of good sportsmanship between the candidates, John McCain presented Barack Obama with a new campaign logo. Designed by Sen. McCain, it depicts a stylized happy face created from circles and stripes deconstructed from the original logo.
“I was thinking of ways I could show Senator Obama that even though we are fierce [...]
Deception Called in McCain Ads
The John McCain campaign is being accused of deception in its advertising, by utilizing images of a fit and trim young man and claiming that it’s the senator.
“These images show up repeatedly in several of his ads,” according to Joseph Stubin of the Institute for Campaign Honesty. “In one ad, for example, the man is [...]
Cindy McCain to Hubby: Win or I’m Out
The wife of presidential candidate John McCain has given the senator an ultimatum: Either he wins the election in November, or she’s seeking a divorce.
“I’m an attractive, younger woman, with plenty of ‘hot years’ left in her,” said Cindy McCain. “A woman like me doesn’t commit herself to a shlumpy, pile of skin like John [...]
McCain Plans to Visit his Grade School Teachers
After watching American Idol finalist David Cook pay a warm and loving visit to his former elementary school music teacher on the hit Fox TV show last night, John McCain decided to visit his own grade school teachers.
Riding in his campaign bus through his hometown in Northern Virginia, the erstwhile schoolboy stared out his window [...]
