Racists Disappointed in Election Outcome

SCOURGE, AR — A gathering of racists at a local diner expressed their disappointment at the election of Barack Obama.
Mechanic Alden Miremount said he was disillusioned as he watched his dream of an all-white America fade as the nation elected its first black president.  “We’ve worked so hard for so many years,” said Miremount, “to deny liberty [...]

Biden Tells Supporters Okay to Stay Home

PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections.
“Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re ahead by ten points.  There’s no reason to sweat getting to the polls [...]

‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’

AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust her to do a better job with her own money than the government, but under Senator Obama’s tax policies, she wouldn’t have enough cash to pay her rent, compensate her pimp and purchase a supply of clean needles. “

Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election

NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea.
“In this precarious economic time, it is important to put politics behind us and work together [...]

New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama

PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is.

“Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s skin,” said McCain. “I am proud to be a black American. The tint of my exterior may reflect my albino heritage, but in my heart I am blacker than the decaying infra-structure of our inner cities.”

Tennessee Man Receives Government Bailout

WASHINGTON — The Federal Reserve today announced it will be giving 14 billion dollars to Thomas Shale, a blue collar textile worker from Knoxville.  Mr. Shale had fallen into tremendous, unmanageable debt over the last three years and was on the brink of financial ruin.
“I went a little overboard creating my home theater and [...]

Bush Appoints Self for Third Term

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term.
Calling the November elections a “distraction from the serious work of the White House,” the president signed on for another four years, with “unlimited options to renew.”
As a result of the announcement, [...]

Pelosi on Palin: Way too Young

WASHINGTON — Representative Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives and second in line for the presidency, expressed her disappointment in the selection of Sarah Palin as the Republican VP candidate, saying that John McCain, 72, should have selected a running mate who is “even older than he is.”
Praising McCain as an aging war hero [...]

Disorganized Community Seeks Return of Obama

POETS BEND, IL — “Bring back Barack!”  came the cries from this small town on the southside of Chicago, where, as a young man, Barack Obama once served as a community organizer.
In the intervening years, however, this erstwhile well-kempt community, previously organized with such love and compassion by the Senator from Illinois, has become one [...]

Lipstick-Wearing Pig Offended by McCain Comments

FAIRFAX, VA — John McCain accused Senator Obama today of making a disparaging reference to Gov. Sarah Palin by uttering the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”
This offended Osco, a locally raised, lipstick-wearing pig from a farm in Canton.  “Wearing lipstick is a personal choice,” said Osco.  “But to be [...]