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Specter switches genders
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females. “I have found of late that I am identifying more closely with the women in the
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Obama wants citizens to print their own money
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City. “This financial crisis is just too big for our resources in Washington,”
Bush DNA cleansed from White House
WASHINGTON, DC — No sooner had he been sworn into office than President Barack Obama ordered his staff to remove all traces of his predecessor George W. Bush’s DNA from every room of the White House. “It was clear from the start that Obama planned on overturning all of the
Obama says sale of virginity good for economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education
“Black Friday” to be Renamed Under Obama
CHICAGO — As one of his first orders as President of the United States, Barack Obama pledged to rename “Black Friday” — the first day after Thanksgiving in which most retailers begin making a profit — as “Multiracial Friday.” “The racial divides in America
Racists Disappointed in Election Outcome
SCOURGE, AR — A gathering of racists at a local diner expressed their disappointment at the election of Barack Obama. Mechanic Alden Miremount said he was disillusioned as he watched his dream of an all-white America fade as the nation elected its first black president. “We’ve worked
Biden Tells Supporters Okay to Stay Home
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections. “Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re
‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust
Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election
NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea. “In this precarious economic time,
New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama
PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is. “Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s
Bush Appoints Self for Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term. Calling the November elections
Pelosi on Palin: Way too Young
WASHINGTON — Representative Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives and second in line for the presidency, expressed her disappointment in the selection of Sarah Palin as the Republican VP candidate, saying that John McCain, 72, should have
Disorganized Community Seeks Return of Obama
POETS BEND, IL — “Bring back Barack!” came the cries from this small town on the southside of Chicago, where, as a young man, Barack Obama once served as a community organizer. In the intervening years, however, this erstwhile well-kempt community,
Lipstick-Wearing Pig Offended by McCain Comments
FAIRFAX, VA — John McCain accused Senator Obama today of making a disparaging reference to Gov. Sarah Palin by uttering the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” This offended Osco, a locally raised, lipstick-wearing pig
McCain Gaining Ground with Lunatic Fringe
MINNEAPOLIS — Sen. John McCain’s polling numbers have remained consistent over the last four months, with the exception of one category, The Lunatic Fringe, where he is steadily gaining ground. A recent BSN poll showed that McCain is winning the vote of
Obama Offers Clinton Cabinet Position
DENVER, CO - In a conciliatory gesture to his opponent, Senator Obama today reached out to Senator Clinton by offering her the cabinet position of “Secretary of Sewing,” which he said he created
McCain Selects Obama for Running Mate
ARIZONA – In a surprise move early this morning, Sen. John McCain announced that Barack Obama will be his running mate for the 2008 presidential election. “He brings a lot of voters with him,” said McCain. “He’s stronger on the economy than I am,
Obama Chooses Self for V.P.
DENVER, CO — In a stunning turn of events early this morning, Senator Barack Obama announced that he would be his own running mate in the 2008 Presidential elections. “I’ve
The Onion Endorses Kucinich
NEW YORK – The normally non-partisan publication, “The Onion,” has officially endorsed Congressman Dennis Kucinich for president. “I’m not sure where he stands on the issues,” explained Kevin Dumont, an associate editor, “but he’s hands-down the funniest of the candidates. For
Clinton Fundraiser: Win a Date with Hillary
Senator Hillary Clinton, desperate to pay off campaign debts and stay in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, has come up with a creative approach to campaign financing with her “Win a Date with Hillary” promotion. Donors who contribute one-hundred dollars or more are entered into
New Evidence of Kennedy Conspiracy
Conspiracy theories have surrounded the Kennedy family for over forty years, so it was not too surprsing when researchers, at odds over whether Senator Ted Kennedy’s brain tumor originated from the back of his head, or the top of his forehead, stirred up a new one. “The government wants us to believe
Obama Campaign Booboo
With the Democratic primaries becoming ever more contentious and controversial, the campaign of Sen. Barack Obama ran into
