Court Orders Joe the Plumber Back to Anonymity

CLEVELAND — Joe the Plumber, the entrepreneur used as an example of an everyman by former presidential candidate John McCain, made it clear he wanted to extend his fifteen minutes of fame by persuing book deals and tv contracts, but a federal court today ordered him back to the recesses of anonymity.
Judge Barry Tipton said [...]

Harassing Phone Calls Linked to McCain

PHOENIX, AZ — Backers of Senator Barack Obama have been receiving anonymous phone calls, assailing them with vulgar language and crude remarks.  The RNC and McCain campaign have denied any knowledge of the calls, but Senator Obama wants an investigation.
Over two-hundred such calls, placed between the hours of 8:00 and 9:00 pm (CST), have been [...]

U.S. Gov’t Pays $4 Million Dollars to Joe the Plumber for Replacement of Washer

WASHINGTON, DC — The Government Accounting Office reported today that the man McCain refers to as “Joe the Plumber” has been paid $4 million dollars from the U.S. government to replace a washer at a military facility in New Jersey.
The famous plumber told reporters that he was contacted by the Trenton Naval Weapons Station to [...]

‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’

AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust her to do a better job with her own money than the government, but under Senator Obama’s tax policies, she wouldn’t have enough cash to pay her rent, compensate her pimp and purchase a supply of clean needles. “

McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy

NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator.
The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred dollar bills, would be coming from private sources.  “That’s the beauty of it,” [...]

Gov. Palin to be Replaced with SNL’s Tina Fey

NEW YORK — In yet another stunning announcement from the McCain campaign, the Republican presidential nominee said that he will be replacing his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with Tina Fey, the writer-producer-actor who portrayed Palin in a  series of sketches on Saturday Night Live.
“Ms. Fey has all the charm and wit of Governor [...]

McCain Interviews Writers for Concession Speech

SEDONA, AZ — John McCain is currently seeking writers for his November 4th concession speech. “It’s important to the American people that a concession speech come across as sincere to the voters and contrite to his supporters,” said Senator McCain. “I’ll be selecting from some of the best writers in the country, and will start [...]

Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election

NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea.
“In this precarious economic time, it is important to put politics behind us and work together [...]

New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama

PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is.

“Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s skin,” said McCain. “I am proud to be a black American. The tint of my exterior may reflect my albino heritage, but in my heart I am blacker than the decaying infra-structure of our inner cities.”

Tennessee Man Receives Government Bailout

WASHINGTON — The Federal Reserve today announced it will be giving 14 billion dollars to Thomas Shale, a blue collar textile worker from Knoxville.  Mr. Shale had fallen into tremendous, unmanageable debt over the last three years and was on the brink of financial ruin.
“I went a little overboard creating my home theater and [...]