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Harassing Phone Calls Linked to McCain
PHOENIX, AZ — Backers of Senator Barack Obama have been receiving anonymous phone calls, assailing them with vulgar language and crude remarks. The RNC and McCain campaign have denied any knowledge of the calls, but Senator Obama wants an investigation. Over two-hundred such calls, placed between the hours of 8:00 and 9:00 pm (CST), have
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‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust
McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy
NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator. The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred
Gov. Palin to be Replaced with SNL’s Tina Fey
NEW YORK — In yet another stunning announcement from the McCain campaign, the Republican presidential nominee said that he will be replacing his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with Tina Fey, the writer-producer-actor who portrayed Palin in a series of sketches on Saturday Night
McCain Interviews Writers for Concession Speech
SEDONA, AZ — John McCain is currently seeking writers for his November 4th concession speech. “It’s important to the American people that a concession speech come across as sincere to the voters and contrite to his
Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election
NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea. “In this precarious economic time,
New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama
PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is. “Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s
Bush Appoints Self for Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term. Calling the November elections
Pelosi on Palin: Way too Young
WASHINGTON — Representative Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives and second in line for the presidency, expressed her disappointment in the selection of Sarah Palin as the Republican VP candidate, saying that John McCain, 72, should have
Lipstick-Wearing Pig Offended by McCain Comments
FAIRFAX, VA — John McCain accused Senator Obama today of making a disparaging reference to Gov. Sarah Palin by uttering the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” This offended Osco, a locally raised, lipstick-wearing pig
Sarah Palin to Celebrate Election Victory by Getting Pregnant
LEBANON, Ohio — Gov. Sarah Palin expects to win the vice presidency of the United States, and when she does, her fist order of business is to get herself “in a family way” — again. “How wonderful it would be to conceive a child in the
McCain Reenacts Crucifixion to Gain Evangelical Vote
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — John McCain today had himself nailed to a huge wooden cross — with the exact dimensions as the one used for Jesus — in order to prove his devoutness to the still
McCain Names Cheerleader Secretary of State
MINNEAPOLIS – On the tails of his controversial vice-presidential selection, Senator John McCain has made yet another startling announcement, this time telling an audience of steelworkers that 16-year-old Emma Rae Schurr of Bulls Gap, Tennessee will be his
Psychic Predicts Complete Text of McCain Acceptance Speech
ST. PAUL, MN / SPECIAL TO THE SKUNK — The head psychic on staff at TheSkunk.org has peered into the mind of John McCain to obtain the highly guarded acceptance speech he will be delivering tonight at the Republican Convention. What follows is the full speech, pieced together directly from Senator
McCain Gaining Ground with Lunatic Fringe
MINNEAPOLIS — Sen. John McCain’s polling numbers have remained consistent over the last four months, with the exception of one category, The Lunatic Fringe, where he is steadily gaining ground. A recent BSN poll showed that McCain is winning the vote of
McCain Selects Obama for Running Mate
ARIZONA – In a surprise move early this morning, Sen. John McCain announced that Barack Obama will be his running mate for the 2008 presidential election. “He brings a lot of voters with him,” said McCain. “He’s stronger on the economy than I am,
McCain Drilling Plan: Pump Oil Directly into Ocean
NEW ORLEANS, LA — John McCain announced today a plan for offshore rigs to pump oil directly into the ocean. “We already have the technology,” said McCain. “The United
McCain Vetting VPs over Strip Poker
John McCain will be hosting an evening of strip poker at his ranch in Sedona, Arizona, to size-up some of the contenders he is considering as potential running mates. “It’s just a casual affair,” said McCain. “We get together, kick back a few beers and play Texas Hold ‘em until midnight —
McCain Sets New Record for Use of Term “Surge”
LOS ANGELES – Before an audience of mostly independent voters, Senator John McCain mentioned the word “Surge” four-hundred, eighteen times, setting a new record for an American politician to use a meaningless catch phrase in a single
McCain to Defend Georgia with “Surge of One”
WASHINGTON, DC — John McCain has volunteered to pilot an F-16 to confront the Russian army and put an end to the fighting in Georgia. The senator would be the sole U.S. military response to the conflict. McCain characterized the mission as a “Surge of One,”
Bush Soils Constitution
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — In a press conference last Friday, Dr. Lamont Dandle, head curator for the National Archives, announced that one of the remaining original, handwritten copies of the United States Constitution had been damaged beyond repair —
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John McCain Ad | War is Good
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McCain Rejects Endorsement from Talking Jesus Head
CLEVELAND, OH – Senator McCain rejected yet another religious endorsement,
McCain Reclassified as “Dwarf Republican”
Washington, D. C. — Taking its cue from the International Astronomical Union, which declared in 2006 that the celestial body known as Pluto was to be re-designated a “dwarf planet,” The Republican National Committee today has reclassified Senator John
McCain Advises Iraqi Pilots to Get Shot Down
Recounting how his own Naval record — being shot out of the sky as a young pilot, his subsequent capture by the enemy and incarceration inside a North Vietnamese prison — has made him uniquely qualified to be commander-in-chief, Republican presidential
New Bush Advisor: Obama
Citing Barack Obama’s “wisdom beyond his years,” President Bush revealed today that he will be heeding the senator’s advice and counsel over the remaining months of his presidency. According to a White House insider, the president watches every speech made by Senator Obama, whose televised
McCain Gets 58% of Jowl Vote
In a natiowide survey conducted Tuesday, John McCain received the support of 58% of Americans with droopy jowls. Although McCain welcomed the poll results, he was restrained in his reaction. “I think the press puts too much emphasis on statistical groupings,” McCain told reporters. “I’ll be the
NASA Scientists Reveal McCain Dead for Years
Satellite imagery from NASA’s LANDSAT program has revealed striking evidence that John McCain died over 50,000 years ago. “We can assess the age
McCain to Form Committee on Pandering
John McCain has formed a committee to track down Americans to whom he has not yet pandered. McCain said there are still many sections of the American population who have yet to hear his message
McCain Rejects McCheese Endorsement
John McCain rejected an endorsement today by that well-known icon of the fast-food world, Mayor McCheese. “On behalf of all us here in McBurger Land,” said McCheese at a press conference earlier in the week, “I wholeheartedly endorse McCain for McChief.” But that endorsement was short-lived
