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Gun advocates assert right to kill things
SEATTLE – Gun advocates staged a rally at a Starbucks Wednesday, protesting the government’s ban on killing things. “It’s our Second Amendment right to kill anything we want, at a time and place of our choosing,” said
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Senator wants nation’s jobless to be his servants
WASHINGTON — After blocking passage of a jobless benefits bill, Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) announced today he will compensate the nation’s unemployed by offering them non-paid positions as his personal servants. “They
Toyota Camry sprouts wings, flies into 61st floor of Empire State Building
NEW YORK — A Toyota Camry sprouted wings and flew uncontrollably from a highway in Massachusetts into the 61st floor of the Empire State Building over the weekend. The driver,
Tea Party divided over brewed or steeped
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Tempers rose and tea bags flew everywhere at the first national Tea Party conference, as attendees became embroiled in a bitter dipute over the specific
Toyota blames acceleration problem on faulty cup holders
Driver at risk of peeing on himself. NAGOYA/DETROIT — Toyota announced today is has identified a defect in the design of its cup holders as the source of acceleration
Americans turn to Haiti for medical care
PORT-AU-PRICE, Haiti — Scores of ailing Americans arrive in this impoverished country by the hour, seeking life-saving medical treatment — unavailable to them
Kellogg’s orders recall after child finds toy inside cereal
BATTLE CREEK, MI — Kellogg’s has recalled two-million cases of Frosted Flakes after an eight-year-old child discovered a toy car hidden inside the cereal. Third
Compulsive masturbator banned from sperm bank
DENVER – An area man has been banned from making further donations to the Heritage Sperm Repository. According to records, Oliver Kertockum visited the clinic every day for the last three years. When he arrived last Friday, however, staffers refused to hand over the sterile collection cup, and instead
Conan O’Brien offered 5-minute show on NBC
BURBANK, CA — Conan O’Brien is being wooed back to NBC, this time with his very own five-minute show, to be aired nightly from 11:30 to 11:35 pm. Five Minutes with
Voters disappointed in Brown’s lack of accomplishment in U.S. Senate
BOSTON — Ever since Scott Brown was elected on Tuesday to fill the Senate seat once held by Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts voters have expressed their overwhelming disappointment
Airport screener finds digested tacos in man’s colon
LOS ANGELES — An alert security screener at LAX yesterday discovered the digested remains of two crunchy tacos concealed inside a passenger’s colon as he was preparing
GOP opposes ‘public option’ for Haitians
WASHINGTON — Republican lawmakers today strongly condemned President Obama’s use of a government funded “public option” to provide medical aid to
Haiti to replace missionaries with Jews
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — Haitians are asking the world to stop sending missionaries to their devastated country, and send Jews instead. Thousands of Haitians crowded
Haitians despondent over Simon Cowell departure from ‘Idol’
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Not even the shock of a 7.0 earthquake, which devastated this tiny island nation on Tuesday, could distract its inhabitants from the distraught that
Demolition company hiring suicide bombers
PLAINS, GA — Abelson Demolitions is looking for a few good suicide bombers. For the last half century, this world-renowned demolitions company has been using its cutting-edge
Cross tattooed on Clarence Thomas’ lower back violates separation of church and state, says Sotomayor
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor issued a formal complaint about a cross tattooed on Clarence Thomas’s lower back — a form of body art known as a “Tramp Stamp” — calling
New TSA rule: No bombs in carry-on
WASHINGTON — In light of the failed bombing attempt of a Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdan to Detroit on Christmas Day, the Transportation Security Administration has added bombs to its list of items prohibited from all international and domestic air travel. The
Hollywood’s talent-challenged celebrate life of Brittany Murphy
HOLLYWOOD, Ca — Scores of unsuccessful actors, bad writers, producers of B-movies and Gary Coleman gathered today at the Hollywood Forever cemetery to celebrate
Deer caught in headlights, unable to move
RUTLAND, Vt. — A white-tailed deer standing in the middle of the highway late last night didn’t realize the dazzling white lights beaming toward it from
Tiger Woods to endorse sperm bank
DENVER — On the heels of Gatorade and other major companies terminating their sponsorship agreements with Tiger Woods, the Heritage Sperm Repository of Colorado Springs
Palin fans can’t read book
FORKS BEND, KY – Some fans of Sarah Palin were disappointed with the former Alaska Governor’s best seller, “Going Rogue,” when they realized they were unable
Bank to offer free anal sex with checking
NEW YORK – One of the nation’s top financial institutions is offering its customers free anal sex when they open a new account. “There’s a lot of talk
Joe Biden crashes state dinner
WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden exposed a breach in security last week when he showed up at a White House state dinner, uninvited. Vice President Biden poses
Man gives right nut for a beer
GARDEN GROVE, CA – Lee Joseph Flanders told the clerk at the corner liquor store last Wednesday that he was so thirsty he would “give his right nut for a beer,”
World asks: Who the f*** are Jon and Kate?
Kate & Jon in happier times HOLLYWOOD, CA — Television personalities “Jon and Kate” are the most baffling celebrities in the history of the entertainment industry,
Americans flee to Guatemala to escape bleak job market
GUATEMALA CITY — John Wilson holds a PhD in physics and has worked in the aerospace industry for over thirty years. Today he is selling cheese-stuffed pupusas —
Palin accidentally burns her own book
ANTWILLIE, TENN — Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin attended a book burning rally Friday, where she unwittingly participated in the incineration of hundreds of copies of her upcoming autobiography “Going Rogue.” Palin made the planned stop at the small Church of Righteous Indignation to
Tell-all book trashes William Henry Harrison administration
A new biography hitting bookstore shelves on Friday paints a dim portrait of President William Henry Harrison. According to the book, “The Do-Nothing President,” Harrison – who died in 1841 after only 31 days in office – was the most “unaccomplished Chief Executive our country has ever known.” In
Palin vagina announces run for senate
The vagina of former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced this morning its plan to run for the Senate seat from Alaska in 2010. Palin speaks without the benefit of her vagina The vagina said it is no longer associated with Palin, and looks forward to expressing its own views, independent
