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Hawaii Insists It’s 'No Paradise'

Hawaii insists it's no paradise.

HONOLULU — Troubled by its reputation as a tropical paradise, Hawaii is on a quest to change its image with a series of commercials showing the depraved side of the Aloha State.

NRA Donates Guns to Grade-Schoolers

NRA

The National Rifle Association plans to distribute free handguns to seven million American school children in grades K-3 as part of their 2nd Amendment education program, “Bang Bang, it’s Your Right!”

Advertisers Slow Down Commercials for DVR Users

Les Johsnon, Executive Vice President of the Association of TV Advertisers

NEW YORK — Having gotten wise to television viewers fast-forwarding through advertisements on their DVRs, advertisers have decided to slow down their commercials to 25% of normal speed.

Sarah Palin to run for Governor of Alaska

ANCHORAGE — Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has announced plans to run for Governor of Alaska in the 2010 election.

Writers’ Union to Euthanize Strike Breakers

LOS ANGELES — The Writers Guild of America, the collective bargaining organization for professional Hollywood screen and television writers, has published a list of three of its members who will be euthanized for crossing picket lines during the 2007 strike.

Michael Vick Signed to 'Fighting Bulldogs'

SALEM, OR – NFL expansion team, the “Fighting Bulldogs” – who have been struggling every season to fill their stadium — have signed a two-year, $500 million dollar deal with disgraced quarterback Michael Vick, the former football star who served 19 months in federal prison for his conviction on running a dogfighting ring.

Man Gets Cash for Clunker Wife

Clunker WIfe Worth Cash

BUTTE, MO — Due to a loophole in the federal “Cash for Clunkers” program, local dentist Halman Johnson was able to bring his wife of twenty-two years into the local Ford dealership and walk away with $4500 cash and a 2010 Escort Cabriolet hybrid.

Ahmadinejad Gets Key Endorsement from Himself

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad formally endorsed himself for a second term as president Monday in a ceremony that sought to quell discontent among Iranians, by declaring himself a worthy leader.

North Korea Prepares to Launch Tinker Toys, Legos

Kim Il Jong to Luanch Tinker Toys

WASHINGTON, D.C. — North Korea is preparing to launch a missile armed with Tinker Toys and red Legos, according to the U.S. State Department.