Michael Vick Signed to 'Fighting Bulldogs'

SALEM, OR – NFL expansion team, the “Fighting Bulldogs” – who have been struggling every season to fill their stadium — have signed a two-year, $500 million dollar deal with disgraced quarterback Michael Vick, the former football star who served 19 months in federal prison for his conviction on running a dogfighting ring.

Man Gets Cash for Clunker Wife

Clunker WIfe Worth Cash

BUTTE, MO — Due to a loophole in the federal “Cash for Clunkers” program, local dentist Halman Johnson was able to bring his wife of twenty-two years into the local Ford dealership and walk away with $4500 cash and a 2010 Escort Cabriolet hybrid.

Ahmadinejad Gets Key Endorsement from Himself

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad formally endorsed himself for a second term as president Monday in a ceremony that sought to quell discontent among Iranians, by declaring himself a worthy leader.

North Korea Prepares to Launch Tinker Toys, Legos

Kim Il Jong to Luanch Tinker Toys

WASHINGTON, D.C. — North Korea is preparing to launch a missile armed with Tinker Toys and red Legos, according to the U.S. State Department.

Old Men Have Shorter Life Expectancies

Old Men Have Shorter LIfe Expectancies

CHICAGO — Results of a study conducted by the Journal of American Research suggest that old men have a shorter life expectancy than that of their younger counterparts.

Termites Devour Dutch Shoe Factory; Fraud Suspected

Termites Devour Wooden Show Factory.

NETHERLANDS — An invasion of termites that completely devoured the inventory of the Clicken Cläcken Wooden Shoe Factory in Amsterdam is being investigated as a criminal act.

Tito Jackson Seeks to Replace Brother as 'King of Pop'

The New King of Pop

LOS ANGELES — Tito Jackson declared himself the new King of Pop today, promising to fill the void in fans’ hearts left by the death of his superstar younger brother.

Republicans Propose Ayatollah System for U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC — In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government.

Palestinians Prepare for Moon Launch

Palestinians Prepare Moon Launch

Combining its fleet of homemade rocket-launchers with Iranian missile technology, the Hamas Space Agency (HASA) announced today it has begun the countdown for its first mission to the moon.

Bush Library: “Not in My backyard”

Location of Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON, DC — The creation of the George W. Bush Presidential Library hit yet another snag this week, when Montana refused to issue a building permit. This makes it the seventh state – after Utah, Oklahoma, Missouri, Virginia, West Virginia and Florida — to reject the President’s proposed home for his administration’s legacy.