Section » Opinion
Are the Republicans making a comeback?
“Yeah, and so is my old man’s dead brother — not the one who died of natural causes, I mean the other one, the one I call ‘Uncle Evidence.’”
– Vinnie “Lead Pipe” Traxell,
Inmate #4566-A43,
NJ Federal Corrections Facility
Past Opinions
What is your overall opinion?
”I don’t feel I’ve thought about it enough, nor have enough experience, to formulate an intelligent response to this particular topic.”
– Doug Minors,
Bartender,
Birmingham, AL
Should the City of Los Angeles pay for Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service?
“I think the Jackson family should be required to pay everyone in Los Angeles $5000 each. Plus each resident gets to choose one Jackson to provide naked housecleaning services. You listening, Tito?”
– Benjamin Colt,
Santa Clarita, CA
What causes crop circles?
“I think it’s when the crops don’t get enough sleep… or maybe they’re just waking up too early.”
– Salvatore Blum,
Medical Marijuana Distributor,
Grand Rapids, MI
What are You Looking Forward to in the New Television Season?
“Live coverage of my drug trial on Court TV, the death of Larry King, and the subsequent memorial they’ll have for him at Madison Square Garden.”
– Mrs. Belinda Preuss,
School Psychologist,
Bloomington, Indiana
Should the USA Create a British-Style Monarchy?
“What’s wrong with the butterflies we already have?”
– Jane Fitzpatrick,
Eco-Massage Instructor,
Tempe, AZ
How Long do You See The Current Recession Lasting?
I reckon she’s a-gonna last long enough for us to get a-plenty hungry. We already begun eatin’ cah-yoots instead of yer more expensive main staples, side-winders and jackalopes. Dang, I miss chawin’ a good jackalope antler…
– Bob Galford,
Retired Crossing Guard,
Amarillo, TX
Is Air Pollution Getting Worse?
“Yes, but with my hemorrhaging lungs and liver rankled with cancer from a lifetime of breathing, I welcome this new generation of pollutants — they afford a more balanced exposure to toxicity than in the past.”
–Susan Parks,
Manager, Mario’s Adult Videoland and Daycare
Detroit, MI
Who would you pick to be with if stranded on an island?
“Daisy Duck. First, she is a duck so she floats as needed in the seas surrounding our isolation. Secondly, she is damn cute with her polka dot bow in the feathers of her head. Thirdly — and most importantly — I love the taste of duck and wouldn’t hesitate to eat her when I became hungry.”
– Aesop Mythos,
Sivros, Ionia Islands of Greece
Should Governor Blagojevich be Removed from Office?
“Of course not. If the Governor can make a good profit on selling the vacated senate seat of Barack Obama, why penalize him? Let him sell Obama’s seat to the highest bidder, and then tax him on his earnings.”
– Dr. Edvardo Shizzle,
Bismarck, North Dakota
Did O.J. Get Sentenced Appropriately?
“Yes. I thought the judge’s tonal quality and demeanor were very appropriate. I find courts prone toward histrionics and self-promotion very offensive.”
– Cindy Pushing,
Nude Model,
Arleta, CA
Will Race Influence Your Vote?
Absolutely not. My dad lost his life savings at the races — imaginary ostrich races that were held every day in his hospital room. I’m not going to make the same mistake.
–Maria P.
Albuquerque, NM
Should sex education be taught in public schools?
“Yes, but only by really hot teachers.”
–John Pardee,
High School Sophomore,
Fresno, CA
What Single Issue Matters to You Most?
“Why do you assume I’m single? Just because I’m a busy woman, with a fear of intimacy and a loathing for men, doesn’t mean I’m not attached.”
–Sarah Howe, Sarasota, FL
