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Sanford sent same sex letter to all mistresses
COLUMBIA, SC — When Governor Mark Sanford emailed his South American lover, expressing his admiration for “…the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself,” he was certain the carefully chosen words would turn the heat up on their sexually charged relationship. But when Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentinian journalist
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IOUs become official currency of California
SACRAMENTO — Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today declared that IOUs will be the new currency of the State of California. “Since we can’t print our own money like the federal government,” explained the former Mister Universe, “we will issue IOU forms that will allow politicians in Sacramento,
GOP removes ‘Family Values’ from Platform
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform. Since the early 1980s, when President Reagan and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich gave birth to the so-called “Republican Revolution,”
Obama kills elk with bare hands
YELLOWSTONE, WY — The response to President Obama’s swatting of a fly with his open palm during an NBC interview was so overwhelming, it prompted him to seek out other animals to kill with his bare hands. Surrounded by the press, the President ventured out into Yellowstone National Park,
GOP elephant switches parties
BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political affiliations. Former GOP Mascot The elephant said it was Senator Specter who really opened the door
Republicans propose Ayatollah system for U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC – In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government. “We can keep the showy remnants of our democracy,” explained Gingrich, “while ceding ultimate power to a
Specter switches genders
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females. “I have found of late that
Republicans File Bankruptcy in Court of Ideas
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican National Committee filed for bankruptcy today in the U.S. Court of Ideas, citing decades of doctrines that don’t work and an inability to generate new thoughts and workable models for society. The GOP has been operating on an idea deficit for decades,
Obama to send former President Bush to world’s hot spots
WASHINGTON, DC — In an apparent sign of reconciliation with his predecessor, President Obama said today he will be sending former president George W. Bush on peace missions to some of the most dangerous parts of the world. “These are places where terrorists are set upon killing anyone with an
Bush DNA cleansed from White House
WASHINGTON, DC — No sooner had he been sworn into office than President Barack Obama ordered his staff to remove all traces of his predecessor George W. Bush’s DNA from every room of the White House. “It was clear from the start that Obama planned on overturning all of the former
Bush seeks new country to bungle
CRAWFORD — Having recently traded in his White House address for a suburban home in this quiet Texas community, former President George Bush has expressed his desire to reenter public life by becoming the leader of some other yet-to-be-determined country. “He’s been kinda fidgety,”
Palestinians Prepare for Moon Launch
GAZA CITY — Combining its fleet of homemade rocket-launchers with Iranian missile technology, the Hamas Space Agency (HASA) announced today it has begun the countdown for its first mission
Blagojevich appoints penis to U.S. Senate
CHICAGO – Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has appointed his penis to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. “I am merely executing my duties under the Illinois state constitution,” said Blagojevich. “I hope the allegations against me won’t taint the
Palin’s daughter gives birth to Democrat
ANCHORAGE, Alaska – The teenage daughter of former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave birth to a Democrat on Sunday, marking an ironic resolution to the controversy surrounding the unwed teen mother. 18-year-old Bristol Palin gave birth to Frickin Johnston on Sunday. The 7 pound,
Toddler throws poo at Bush
BLOOMINGTON, IN — A toddler threw poo at President Bush during a visit to a day care center, where Bush was speaking before a group of preschoolers and their parents. Bush ducked, and the poo sailed past his head, splatting on the wall behind him. The poo-thrower, identified as two-year-old Jason
Shoes thrown at Bush send message to Senator Craig
BAGHDAD – An Iraqi journalist hurled a pair of shoes at President Bush on Sunday during a press conference in his country’s capital. While Bush took the incident in stride, chalking it up to freedom of expression, Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) insisted the airborne Oxfords communicated something entirely
Obama’s Senate Seat for Sale on eBay
SPRINGFIELD, IL — After the disclosure of Governor Blagojevich’s plan to accept a bribe in exchange for the senate seat vacated by Barack Obama, Ilinois state legislators decided to take the appointing powers out of the hands of the governor. “We weren’t completely against
Post Office Adds Bush to Presidential Stamp Series
WASHINGTON, DC — The United States Post Office announced today that it will be adding the image of George W. Bush to its popular commemorative stamp series, entitled “Bad Presidents.” The series of first-class postage stamps honors “those
Republican Scientists Claim Gravity a Scam
The Republican National Committee’s Scientific Advisory Board today issued a report negating claims of an “invisible force that pulls things toward the center of the Earth.” “Sheer nonsense,”
Republicans, Nazis Talk Merger
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it was in preliminary talks with the American Nazi Party to merge into a single cohesive entity, to be known simply as “Extreme Nazis.” “The new party would embrace our common bonds,” said Ed DeLampurdoe,
White House Faces Foreclosure
A “Notice of Foreclosure Sale” was issued for the White House on Friday, informing the occupants they have 30 days to vacate the premises before it is sold at auction. According to loan documents, the United States Government, listed as the owner of
Mormons Teach Gay Marriage to Children
SACRAMENTO, CA — Over 10 million California grade school students have been introduced to the subject of same-sex marriage by repeated viewings of TV ads for California’s Gay Marriage Initiative, known as Proposition 8, which was funded largely by the Mormon Church. “I didn’t
Court Orders Joe the Plumber Back to Anonymity
CLEVELAND — Joe the Plumber, the entrepreneur used as an example of an everyman by former presidential candidate John McCain, made it clear he wanted to extend his fifteen minutes of fame by pursuing book deals and tv contracts, but a federal court today ordered him back to the recesses of anonymity. Judge
Biden Tells Supporters Okay to Stay Home
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections. “Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re
Harassing Phone Calls Linked to McCain
PHOENIX, AZ — Backers of Senator Barack Obama have been receiving anonymous phone calls, assailing them with vulgar language and crude remarks. The RNC and McCain campaign have denied any knowledge of the calls, but Senator Obama wants an investigation. Over two-hundred such calls, placed between
McCain to Enslave Poor
SUPREMECY, OH — In a last-ditch-effort to present a solution to the nation’s ailing economy, Senator John McCain today disclosed a new plan to allow small businesses to utilize the country’s poor without having to compensate them. “Small business is the backbone of America,”
The Academy of Sarah Palin Lookalikes
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Gov. Palin to be Replaced with SNL’s Tina Fey
NEW YORK — In yet another stunning announcement from the McCain campaign, the Republican presidential nominee said that he will be replacing his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with Tina Fey, the writer-producer-actor who portrayed Palin in a series of sketches on Saturday Night
McCain Interviews Writers for Concession Speech
SEDONA, AZ — John McCain is currently seeking writers for his November 4th concession speech. “It’s important to the American people that a concession speech come across as sincere to the voters and contrite to his
Bush Appoints Self for Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term. Calling the November elections
