Science & Tech
Ketchup Linked to Lower Risk of Death
Researchers found that habitual ketchup users had a lower risk of death than their snobby, elitist counterparts. Subjects who went through four or five bottles per week lived the longest.
More Science & Tech
Google Takes Street View into People’s Houses, Apartments
Google photographers will be sent into every residential house and apartment across the country, photographing each bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, nook, and cranny.
A.D.D. Explorer Forgets Location of Latest Discovery
An underwater explorer with attention deficit disorder discovered a legendary Spanish galleon, but forgot to record its location and can’t remember where he found it.
Bachmann Would Replace Space Shuttle with Angels
STILLWATER, MINN (TheSkunk.org) — Rep. Michelle Bachman today said that if she becomes president, she would replace NASA’s erstwhile space shuttle program with angels from heaven.
Doctor Makes Diagnoses Using Episodes of ‘House’
A prominent physician turns to the Fox medical drama “House” to help diagnose his most difficult cases.
New Report: Patience No Longer a Virtue
ARLINGTON, VA (TheSkunk.org) — After reviewing the results of a nationwide study, the American Psychiatric Association has removed “patience” from its list of virtues in the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
‘Shroud of Urine’ Authenticity Disputed in New Study
VATICAN CITY (TheSkunk.org) — The stained cloth that was allegedly wrapped around the loins of Jesus to absorb his final urination is a fake, according to a prominent scientist.
‘Groin Bomber’ Apprehended by TSA
MIAMI (TheSkunk.org) — A man with a fleshy, cylindrical apparatus dangling from his groin was arrested today as he tried to board a plane destined for New York.
Obama Sets Goal of Fake Mars Landing in 10 Years
WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — President Obama today outlined his new direction for the space program by setting the goal of faking a landing on the surface of Mars by the end of the decade.
Heterosexual Couple to Adopt Gay Baby
TRENTON, NJ (TheSkunk.org) — Unable to conceive their own homosexual child, a straight married couple is seeking to adopt a gay baby, according to state authorities.
New iPhone ‘Just Makes Calls’
Steve Jobs released details of Apple’s newest generation iPhone today, astounding techies around the world when it was revealed the device only has only two functions.
NASA Successfully Crashes Telescope into Earth
ALICE SPRINGS, Australia — Scientists at NASA successfully completed their mission to verify the gravitational pull of an expensive item when dropped from high in the air.
Booger Stem Cells Show Promise
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Researchers at College of the Canyons have released results to a study suggesting that human boogers may contain stem cells with similar regenerative qualities to those of embryos.
Moon Blast Kills 22 Civilians
PASADENA, CA — NASA has apologized for the deaths of 22 people caused by a rocket that exploded upon impact into the lunar surface earlier this morning.
Public Doubts ‘Official’ Account of Kennedy Death
BOSTON — Over 68% of Americans don’t believe the official government story that Senator Edward Kennedy died from a brain tumor, according to a survey released today.
Old Men Have Shorter Life Expectancies
CHICAGO — Results of a study conducted by the Journal of American Research suggest that old men have a shorter life expectancy than that of their younger counterparts.
Dermatologist Repulsed by Teenager’s Zit
BEVERLY HILLS — A popular dermatologist was repulsed by a particularly gross looking acne blemish on the face of one of his teenage patients.
Surgeons Replace Man’s Severed Penis with his Big Toe
A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot.
CDC: Swine Flu Victims Are Mainly Pigs
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine Flu,” are pigs.
Palestinians Prepare for Moon Launch
Combining its fleet of homemade rocket-launchers with Iranian missile technology, the Hamas Space Agency (HASA) announced today it has begun the countdown for its first mission to the moon.
Man’s Testicle Reveals Image of GM CEO
A local crossing guard claims a perfect image of GM chief executive Rick Wagoner has appeared on his left testicle.
Republican Scientists Claim Gravity a Scam
The Republican National Committee’s Scientific Advisory Board today issued a report negating claims of an “invisible force that pulls things toward the center of the Earth.”
Rush Limbaugh to Receive Oral-Anal Transplant
WASHINGTON, DC – Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has undergone the world’s first successful oral-anal transplant.
