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Deer caught in headlights, unable to move
RUTLAND, Vt. — A white-tailed deer standing in the middle of the highway late last night didn’t realize the dazzling white lights beaming toward it from an oncoming pickup truck would be the last image
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Booger stem cells show promise
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Researchers at College of the Canyons have released results to a study suggesting that human boogers may contain stem cells with similar
Moon blast kills 22 civilians
PASADENA, CA – NASA has apologized for the deaths of 22 people caused by one of its rockets, which exploded upon impact into the lunar terrain earlier this morning. In
Public doubts ‘official’ account of Kennedy death
BOSTON — Over 68% of Americans don’t believe the official government story that Senator Edward Kennedy died from a brain tumor, according to a survey released today.
Old men have shorter life expectancies
CHICAGO — Results of a study conducted by the Journal of American Research suggest that old men have a shorter life expectancy than that of their younger counterparts. Funded by the federal government in the mid-1970s,
Dermatologist repulsed by teenager’s zit
BEVERLY HILLS — A popular dermatologist was repulsed by a particularly gross looking acne blemish on the face of one of his teenage patients. Dr. Miles Barnhard had been treating 16-year-old Timothy Murfelt for over
Surgeons replace man’s severed penis with his big toe
A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot. John Wentworth Larchmont lost
CDC: Swine flu victims are mainly pigs
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine Flu,” are pigs. A report on the pandemic, released today, took the scientific community by surprise.
Palestinians Prepare for Moon Launch
GAZA CITY — Combining its fleet of homemade rocket-launchers with Iranian missile technology, the Hamas Space Agency (HASA) announced today it has begun the countdown for its first mission to
Man’s Testicle Reveals Image of GM CEO
MESA, AZ — A local crossing guard claims a perfect image of GM chief executive Rick Wagoner has appeared on his left testicle. “I was masturbating last Friday, which I always do sitting
Republican Scientists Claim Gravity a Scam
The Republican National Committee’s Scientific Advisory Board today issued a report negating claims of an “invisible force that pulls things toward the center of the Earth.” “Sheer nonsense,”
Rush Limbaugh to Receive Oral-Anal Transplant
WASHINGTON, DC — Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has undergone the world’s first successful oral-anal transplant. The procedure, pioneered by Dr. Kenneth Fargonian of Bethesda Naval Hospital, involves surgically removing the patient’s
