Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Letters to the Editor

Our readers tell us what’s on their little minds.

President Obama’s Feces Faces Opposition

I heard that President Barack Hussein Obama wants to force American’s to eat their own feces, as part of his plan to turn us all into Muslims. This will never happen in my household. We are proud to say we shovel our own feces and bury it way beyond the trailer park, where no one will ever find it.

— Sam L.
Clearbush, AL

Purity and Marriage

I am eight-years-old. I liked your interview with Bristol Palin [Don’t Talk To Boys Until You’re Married]. It made a lot of sense, and I want to stay pure for my wedding night. That is why I’ve started talking more to girls. It is fun that way, and besides, they are softer than boys and cook better.

— Cindy L.
Osh Kosh, Wisc.

Baking for God

I am hosting a Right-to Life party, and I lost your recipe for Fetus-Shaped Cupcakes. Could you please reprint it for me?

— Mrs. K.
Long Beach, CA

Ed’s Reply:

Glad to help. Check out this month’s article: Baking with Clarence Thomas.

What is Adultery?

I am a college student who recently saw his first female vagina. It was an illustration in a text book for a health course. It made me very upset. But what I really want to know is, will this condemn me to hell, forever, like the Jews?

P.S. I am not married. Does this still constitute adultery?

— William Z.
Twin Falls, MT

(Ed’s Note: This question is above our pay scale. We have referred your question to our good friend, Pat Robertson. His response follows.)

There is still some debate as to what actually constitutes “Adultery,” aside from the obvious definition. Is merely thinking about it a lascivious act?

Hearing about it? Watching it? Feeling it? Smelling it? Do I dare say: touching it?

Where does one draw the line? Some factions contend that merely thinking about the word “s-x” would be a manifestation of adulterous behavior. As far as the picture you have seen, it sounds like you’re in no real danger of eternal damnation, but it would all depend on the exactness of the reproduction of the vag-na. For example, does it depict the clit-ris? P-bic hair? Be honest, was there a p-nis in the shot? Also, for how long did you look at the picture? And where were your hands? Were you masturb-ting at the time? And who were you thinking of while you were doing it? Was it a sexy young movie starlet, or an aging man of God who might look something like me. If you have any doubts at all, I suggest you contact a local minister for counseling.

If you don’t have a local minister, I’d be happy to spend a few minutes with you behind closed doors. No need to bring the whole text book with you — just the pictures.

Good luck,
Pat Robertson

On the Street Where ’They’ Live

My husband and I recently bought an attractive house in a clean neighborhood. Imagine our surprise when, after only a few days, we discovered that this was one of those “integrated” neighborhoods.

We are living next to Blacks, Jews, Italians, Hispanics and an elderly couple from China.

On top of that, most of them are not even Christians, especially the Jews. Needless to say, we were very upset with our real estate broker, who never informed of this racial and ethnic “mix.” When we threatened her with a lawsuit, she replied with some cockamamie story about equal housing ordinances and anti-discrimination laws and real estate codes of ethics and yaddi, yaddi, yada. (This was almost five months ago, before Barack Hussein Obama was elected.)

I am ashamed to admit it, but my husband and I have now started to associate with these people, and are really enjoying it. What a truly grand and enlightening experience it is to assimilate with human beings from different backgrounds and cultures. Our problem is this: should we take it upon ourselves to convert these people? Should we try to accept them for who they are? Or should we avoid them altogether?

— Mrs. P.T.Q.
Birmingham, Alabama

Ed’s reply:

Yours is a sticky situation indeed. While multi-cultural lifestyles are not condoned by this magazine, many in similar situations are able to live full and productive lives. Until we can change some of the antiquated fair housing laws in this country, there is very little — aside from burning crosses on their front lawns — that you can do. We suggest you stay inside and study the bible. Then you will have no need to associate with non-Christians.

P.S. Perhaps you can send along the name of the street on which you live. If we can prevent others from making the same mistake, it will truly be a blessing.

Black Sheep Now White

One night, about fifteen years ago, I came home from a business trip and found my thirteen-year old son, Kevin, reading a copy of Penthouse Magazine.

My wife and I, in an attempt to purify and cleanse our home, banished the boy from our house and family forever. Satisfied that we had removed the stain of sin from our home, we had resumed our lives, and have since given birth to three beautiful children with Christian values.

Last week I came across some startling news: Kevin has become a very successful businessman. He is married and has a wonderful family and a large house. He has been donating large sums of money to charities and is currently being considered for the Senatorial nomination from his party. Now, I was under the impression, mainly from reading your magazine, that materials like Penthouse would wreak havoc on an individual, condemning him to a life of sin and crime.

If this is so, then why has Kevin been so successful?

— Martin Fluffer,
Chicago, Ill

Ed’s Response:

Don’t be fooled by outward appearances. Your son could be a latent homosexual or a democrat — or both. Becuase you spent so little time with him, you’ll probably never know.

If They Could See me Now

I am a convicted rapist, serving out a twenty year prison term. I have recently turned fifty years old, and have spent about two-thirds of my life behind bars. I have been involved with assorted crimes, ranging from robbery, to burglary, to murder.

When I was six years old, I blew up a bank. At twenty-one, I shot and killed my parents during a trip to Palm Springs.

I have received your magazine for two years now. It has changed my life. I am now a believer and I promise never to do anything bad again. When I am released, I would like to come to your office and personally thank you, as I shove the barrel of my .45 revolver down the back of your throat.

Just think, with all the bad shit I’ve done in the past, I can still be forgiven.

P.S. Since I am now a Christian, would it be possible to bring my parents back? How about helping me find a job?