Today is: Thursday, July 31, 2014

Tag: death

GOP Dead at 156

The Republican Party was found dead in its apartment Thursday, the victim of apparent suicide. The political organization had been suffering in recent years with chronic idiocy and had been on life support since 2010.

First responders arrived on the scene to find the Grand Old Party lying face-down in its own vomit, gasping for breath and wailing something incoherent about “abortions and negroes.” Paramedics began life-saving techniques, to no avail.

“I tried giving it CPR,” said Emergency Medical Technician Jim Perry, “but it refused treatment, accusing me of being a socialist parasite leeching off the government.”

Investigators said the Republican Party had smothered itself with a conundrum that had been in the making for 30 years.

“The more it wanted to win an election, the more unpopular its views would become,” said Detective Carl Fenster of the NYPD. “It apparently sucked its own air out of itself.”

The GOP was transported to a Planned Parenthood clinic where it was pronounced dead on arrival. Per its wishes, its body will be cremated and the ashes dumped into an offshore oilwell somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico.

In lieu of flowers, relatives request that you send threatening letters to an abortion clinic.

New Videotape Surfaces from Osama bin Laden

A new videotape surfaced today from Osama bin Laden.

Disney Cigarettes Debut at Magic Kingdom

ANAHEIM, CA — Fans of Walt Disney will now have the opportunity to smoke the very same tobacco that took the life of their beloved hero.

At a press conference held at Disneyland on Monday, Philip Morris International Inc. introduced “Uncle Walt’s Ciganeers,” a new line of cigarettes that combines the nicotine used in Lucky Strikes with that of the French Gitanes brand — Walt’s tobaccos of choice –- to honor the legendary filmmaker and beloved theme park impresario.

In the months leading up to his death in 1966, Disney’s lungs had become so riddled with cancer, surgeons had to remove one of them in its entirety.

“Years of smoking our product brought this genius down in the prime of his career,” explained Louis C. Camilleri, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer for the tobacco giant. “Now his fans can take their last breaths in the same manner as Walt, with the same carcinogens ravishing their bodies.”

Marketed primarily to tweens and their parents, the unfiltered cigarettes will be promoted with a series of “Die like Disney” ads to be aired worldwide.

The license to utilize the famous moniker had been previously approved by former Walt Disney Company CEO Michael Eisner. “Nostalgia was very important to Walt,” said Eisner in a 2006 interview. “To hide that part of history — to pretend that the man didn’t smoke himself to death — would be an insult to his millions of adoring fans and the families who frequent our parks.”

Uncle Walt’s Ciganeers will be the only tobacco product ever sold at the Disney theme parks, and will be given away free to guests with purchase of an annual park passport.

Imaginary Friend ODs on Placebos

Four-year-old Billy Tipton’s best friend — an imaginary owl named Scabooboo – ovedosed last night on an entire make-believe bottle of placebos.

“I warned him not to let his imaginary friends near the pretend medicine cabinet,” said Melissa Tipton, the boy’s mother. “This whole thing feels so unreal.”

Doctors at the Illusory Medical Center discovered the fictional animal slipping in and out of Billy’s consciousness.

“We tried to examine the non-existent patient, but couldn’t find anything,” noted Dr. Whoozit, a general fictitioner. “We envisaged putting him on a realysis machine, but that would only prolong the invisible.”

Billy wished he could have thought Scabooboo back to life. “Do imaginary friends go to fictional heaven?” he wondered. “Is there an afterthought?”

Distraught, Billy spent the evening inside his head, thinking for himself. His mother attempted to coax him out with an unbelievable dinner, but he couldn’t imagine eating that night.

After having second thoughts, Billy dreamed up a new playmate. He tried picturing themselves having fun together, but to no avail.

“Another friendship,” he thought, “has vanished into thin air.”

Rush Limbaugh Regrets Not Holding Michael Jackson

NEW YORK — In his nationally syndicated radio program, Rush Limbaugh regretted not holding Michael Jackson in his arms before the pop idol passed away last month.

The conservative talk show host said he had met the King of Pop several years ago while traveling through California’s Central Coast and thought he was “a sweet, sweet man.”

Although Limabugh never visited Neverland Ranch, he imagined the two would have had “a grand time“ there.

“In my fantasies, Michael and I watch cartoons and play ride-the-pony until bedtime,” lamented Limbaugh. “We’d lie there snugggled together, gazing at the moon through his expensive, leaded-crystal window, awash in wonderment.”

According to Limbaugh, Jackson’s use of drugs to treat his insomnia was completely unnecessary.  “If only he had called me,” he said. “Instead of taking dangerous medications, I could have come over and lulled him to sleep with my grandma’s hot tea and lots of hugs.”

Limbaugh called it tragic that Jackson died alone, never knowing how much he was loved. “We could have held each other for hours,” he said, “sharing our dreams for the future.”

His familiar baritone voice cracked as he tried to hold back tears.

Limbaugh said if he had to do it all over again, he would be there for Michael, hugging him “like there was no tomorrow.”

Michael Jackson to be Buried in Little Boy’s Ass

ENCINO, CA — Pop icon Michael Jackson has proven to be as unconventional in death as he was in life. According to a Jackson family spokesperson, once the King of Pop’s remains are cremated, his ashes will be laid to rest deep inside the buttocks of a little boy.

“It’s a place where Michael always found comfort,” said older brother Tito Jackson. “It’s a fitting tribute to a man who so loved children.”

9-year-old Timmy Snydale is the lucky recipient of the ashes. “Wow, I’m gonna have Michael Jackson up my butt,” exclaimed the San Luis Obispo fourth-grader. “This is more exciting than that summer I spent at Neverland Ranch, when I didn’t see my parents for three weeks and Michael bought my dad a new car.”                                 

Doctor Keith Nadelson, who will be performing the unconventional burial, said the ashes won’t stay in the young man’s intestines very long.

“After a few bowel movements,” explained Nadelson, Jackson’s personal endocrinologist, “the King of Poop will be all but cleansed from his system.”

Nadelson laughed.  “Of course, I meant ‘King of Pop.’”

13 Killed in Reenactment of Deadly Train Crash that Killed 13

FOGSHAFT, OR — A reenactment of a fatal train crash that killed 13 people last month resulted in the deaths of 13 people.

“We took extraordinary efforts to faithfully re-create the conditions that resulted in the original crash,” said investigator Rollo Timms of the National Transportation and Safety Board.

“We used the same types of trains, traveling towards one another on the same section of track, at speeds identical to last month’s incident, carrying the same number of passengers onboard.  We just don’t know how this happened.”

The NTSB issued a statement saying they were saddened and shocked by the deaths, and are planning to reenact the reenactment.  “We’re going to need to figure out what went wrong,” said Timms, “with the hope that tragedies like this can be avoided in the future.”

13 volunteers will be needed to portray passengers in the reenactment of the reenactment. Interested parties should contact the NTSB.

Tito Jackson Seeks to Replace Brother as 'King of Pop'

LOS ANGELES — Tito Jackson declared himself the new King of Pop today, promising to fill the void in fans’ hearts left by the death of his superstar younger brother.

“Of course, I never wanted my brother to die,” said Tito, “but I always thought — in the back of my mind — ‘If something were to happen to Michael, then I could jump in with a moment’s notice.’”

Tito said he is the logical choice to be the next King of Pop. “I grew up with Michael and I know all his moves.”

To demonstrate his ability, Tito began moonwalking for reporters, but stopped after only a few seconds when he heard something snap in his knee. “You get the idea,” he said, as he hobbled over to a bench and gently lowered himself onto it.

Promoters were skeptical of Tito’s ability to take over for his brother, but decided to give him three performances at a bar in Sylmar, California “to see what happens.”

The promoters said it would be relatively easy to determine if Tito has what it takes to fill his little brother’s shoes.

“If audiences aren’t screaming ‘Tito, Tito, We Love you,’ within the first five seconds,” as one executive put it, “it’s all over.”

ARTICLE UPDATE

All three performances of the Tito Jackson “Pay No Attention to the Man in the Coffin” Tour have been cancelled.  No official reason was given, but Turk Delfino, owner of the Tangiers Bar in Sylmar California, filed a lawsuit late today, claiming he never received his guaranteed advanced payment.

Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams Slighted in Jackson Will

HOLLYWOOD — Performers Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams expressed their indignation today at being excluded from Michael Jackson’s will.

“We weren’t mentioned once,” said an incensed Diahann Carroll, whose career spans five decades in the television, film and music industries, “not even in passing.”

In the five-page document, Jackson gives custody of his children to his 79-year-old mother and names singer Diana Ross as a backup guardian.

“Miss Ross is not the only matronly black female entertainer,” said Tony and Emmy Award-winning actress/singer Leslie Uggams, who recently performed on Broadway opposite James Earl Jones in the revival of Ernest Thompson’s On Golden Pond. “I’m a mother, I raised a family.”

“What if something should happen to both Michael’s mother and Diana Ross?” asked Carroll, a Tony Award winner, an Emmy and Grammy nominee, a Golden Globe winner and a Best Actress Oscar nominee. “What if they crashed into each other on the freeway and died on the same day?  Who would get custody of the children?”

“That wouldn’t even be an issue if we had been made the backup guardians to the backup guardian,” said Uggams, who has been captivating stage, screen and television audiences since her national TV debut at age six. “It hurts that Michael didn’t think to include us.”

Carroll, whose 2006 cabaret show debuted to sell-out audiences, and Uggams, whose portrayal of the off-beat society heiress Muzzy Van Hossmere in the Tony-award winning musical Thoroughly Modern Millie garnered rave reviews, told reporters their concern is for the children and they are not trying to exploit Jackson’s death in any way for publicity purposes.

The performers said they have no plans to contest the will, unless cameras are allowed in the courthouse.

Jackson's Black Body Also Found Dead

LOS ANGELES – In a sad turn of events, the black body of Michael Jackson was found dead Wednesday, less than a week after his white one departed.

The black body apparently died sometime in the 1980s.