High School Junior Cannot Stop Using the Word 'Dude'
TEMPLE CITY, CA — High school junior Byron Carter has tried unsuccessfully for the last six months to utter a complete sentence that does not contain the word “dude” in it.
Education
Teachers Union Blames Low Scores on Dumb Students
A spokesperson for the National Education Association said the reason students are performing below par on national testing standards is because they are “really, really dumb.”
Booger Stem Cells Show Promise
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Researchers at College of the Canyons have released results to a study suggesting that human boogers may contain stem cells with similar regenerative qualities to those of embryos.
Pie Donations Down at Clown Colleges
Despite the growing demand, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S.
Suicide Note Reveals Poor Grammar
RAMSDELL, MO — A suicide note left by a local man demonstrated a remarkably poor understanding of syntax and grammar, according to authorities.
Premature Ejaculator Gets Second Date
PITTSBURGH — High school senior Sean Allwinter prematurely ejaculated in his pants last Friday while on a first date with classmate Brenda Hendricks. Now she has agreed to go out with him again.
Gunman Targets Online University
THE INTERNET — Armed with a single Xbox controller, an assailant went on a rampage at Allerman Online University, firing hundreds of virtual rounds at student avatars and targeting the school’s About page and interactive flash instructions.
McCain Plans to Visit his Grade School Teachers
After watching American Idol finalist David Cook pay a warm and loving visit to his…
