Today is: Friday, April 25, 2014

Tag: penis

Donald Trump to Debate His Own Penis

NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) – Unable to book any GOP presidential candidates for a debate he is scheduled to moderate later this month, millionaire businessman Donald Trump today announced he will be debating his own penis.

The format of the debate, to be televised by COX Broadcasting, will be “freestyle one-on-one,” according to the real estate mogul cum reality host. “It’ll be one man and one penis discussing the stimulating issues facing our country.”

Trump is best known as the developer of some of the world’s largest erections, including apartment buildings, hotels, and casinos.

“I always tell people not to underestimate my penis,” said Trump. “It’s head isn’t as big as mine, but it’s very smart.”

Trump brushed off accusations the debate is nothing more than a publicity stunt, insisting viewers will be “enlightened and entertained” listening to him share ideas on the economy and foreign policy with his perspicacious genital organ.

“It’s going to be a wonderful two-hours of television for the whole family,” said Trump, who has invited several impoverished school children to be part of the audience. “You’re really going to see the two of us shake things up.”

Trump claims to have the best debating penis in the world. “I’ve never heard of another penis that can get to the thrust of a topic like mine,” he noted. “It’s up on all the issues and it’s very quick, but I think I can beat it.”

The debate will be interesting, according to Trump, because he and his penis approach subjects from opposite ends. “We don’t always see eye-to-eye on everything,” he said. “We can each be very hardheaded.”

Trump, who claims to be a master debater, said he has been preparing for this ever since he was a teenager. “My penis engages me in important conversations every day, and I think the American people will be interested in what it has to say.”

Depending on the outcome of the debate, Trump said there is still a possibility he will enter the presidential race, most likely as a third-party candidate.

Would he consider choosing his penis as his running mate?

Said Trump: “It’s on my short list.”

 

 

Trump to Weiner: 'Show Us Your Real Penis'

NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) — Donald Trump asserted today that a photograph supposedly depicting Rep. Anthony Weiner’s erect manhood that has been circulating on the Internet is not legitimate, and he demands the congressman immediately disclose his real penis to the American people.

“What Representative Weiner has released to the public is not his penis,” asserted the millionaire real estate tycoon. “It’s a generic, photographic representation that could have been digitally altered by anyone.”

Trump contends the existence of the photo “doesn’t prove anything.”

“The American people have been asking to see his penis for years,” he said, “and just now he releases these unverified images? I don’t buy it.”

Trump said he has paid for an investigation into the matter. “I have top investigators looking into this. So far, they have been unable to locate his real penis, and they tell me that nobody has actually ever seen it. He might not even have a penis. I’m not saying he doesn’t, but if he does, then he should just show it to us.”

A staffer in Weiner’s office said the congressman released the photographs on his Twitter account to “end speculation and provide proof of his penis.”

Yet the conspiracy theories fly fast and furious in the cyber world. Many bloggers have concluded there is a conspiracy to mislead the American public into accepting the Twitter photos as authentic. The “Penisers” have called on the congressman to disclose his penis, and Trump agrees.

“The guy should just produce his penis,” he said, “and this will all be over with. Let us see the shaft, the balls, the scrotum hair, the whole works, and we can get back to the real problems Americans face every day — like which of my golf course parking lots is large enough to accommodate their private jet.

According to Trump, if Weiner cannot produce physical evidence of the existence of his penis, he should resign from Congress.

“What does he have to hide?” asked Trump, who claims that hundreds of people have seen his own penis, which, according to the NBC reality star, “happens to be one of the world’s greatest penises.”

“People call out to me on the streets every day asking to see my penis,” he added, “and I just show it to them.”

Surgeons Replace Man's Severed Penis with his Big Toe

A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot.

John Wentworth Larchmont lost his penis in a freak lawnmower accident over the weekend. “The owner’s manual doesn’t say anything about turning the damn thing off before lying underneath it naked with an erection,” explained Larchmont. “I’m considering a lawsuit.”

After a frantic 911 call, paramedics arrived on the scene within minutes, but were unable to locate the penis. They bandaged Larchmont and rushed him to the local emergency room.

Chief surgeon Dr. Reza Partoonian knew he quickly needed to find a replacement for his patient’s penis, and thought the big toe to be an ideal candidate. “You can do without your big toe,” reasoned Partoonian, “but everybody’s gotta pee.”

The operation, the first of its kind in the United States, was a success. After surgically removing Larchmont’s big toe, Partoomian skillfully grafted it to the exact spot were his patient’s penis had been.

Doctors assured Larchmont that — provided he kept the nail trimmed — he would continue to lead a normal sex life.  Unfortunately, no one explained that to Larchmont’s wife, who won’t let him near her. “I told him to keep that fucking toe away from me,” she said. “It’s disgusting.”

“I think it’s cute how she calls it my ‘Fucking Toe,” said Larchmont, who is gradually adjusting to the penis-toe.  “Sometimes, when I’m done in the men’s room, I flush with it, just to freak everybody out.”

Three days after the surgery, Larchmont’s new gardener came screaming up to the house, with something dangling from his fingers.  “He was holding my penis,” said Larchmont, with a laugh. “Told him ‘I won’t be needing that any more.’ Then I unzipped my pants and showed him my penis-toe.  He got all weird on me, threw the penis down and ran off shouting something in Japanese.”

Larchmont limped back inside his house, took out a pair of clippers and trimmed his nail.

Blagojevich appoints penis to U.S. Senate

CHICAGO – Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has appointed his penis to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.

“I am merely executing my duties under the Illinois state constitution,” said Blagojevich. “I hope the allegations against me won’t taint the appointment of this well-deserving, stalwart appendage to the United States Senate.”

Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) is leading efforts to block the Blagojevich penis from gaining a seat in the legislative body, but it is unknown whether such tactics will be successful.

Legal scholars are debating whether or not the Constitution of the United States allows a penis to become a senator.

There’s nothing in the Constitution that specifically excludes a male member from becoming a member of Congress, according to Sidney Blumenthorn, a professor of constitutional law at Columbia University. “Although there is no precedent for it in the legislative branch,” said Blumenthorn, “we’ve had a Dick in the White House for the last eight years.”

A spokesperson for Blagojevich said the appointment was completely appropriate. “If the Governor gets indicted,” he said, “he looks forward to fully getting off and resuming his position behind the people of Illionois.”

Blagojevich’s penis was unavailable for comment.