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Today is: Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Tag: satellite

North Korea’s ‘Satellites at Bottom of Sea’ Program a Success

PYONGYANG — North Korea successfully launched another multi-million dollar piece of electronic crap to the floor of the Pacific Ocean Friday, the fourth in their “Satellites at the Bottom of the Sea” program. State run television proclaimed the event as “another example of the superiority of North Korean technology.”

“A minute after launch, the missile and its payload fell into the sea 165km west of Seoul, South Korea,” said the newscaster, “just as planned.”

The satellite, along with 20 pieces of the rocket, settled down on the sea floor “in the precise areas mapped out by our scientists.”

A parade down the streets of the capital city was organized by officials to celebrate the achievement. “We are so proud of our government,” said one citizen lined-up on the parade route, “ and the legacy of scientific greatness handed down by our beloved Kim Jong-Il to his son, Kim Jong-un.”

“How wonderful that our government has spent billions of dollars to send these satellites to the bottom of the ocean, where they will last forever as monuments to our great nation,” said another teary-eyed civilian, “rather than waste the money on food for our children, which will be gone as soon as it is eaten.”

The success of the satellite launch has prompted Kim Jong-un to promise to send a wider variety of useless technology into the sea, and has set a goal of plunging 5 million North Korean-built tablet computers into the ocean by November.

 

 

Marine Life Protest North Korean Missile Attack

PACIFIC OCEAN — An alliance of squid, eels, rays, deep sea bass and other marine animals voiced their opposition to North Korea’s launch of a missile over the weekend that struck deep into their territory.

Thousands of their respective species, as well as turtles, dolphins, seahorses, sponges, and plankton, were either killed or seriously sautéed in the strike.

The alliance called the attack “totally unprovoked.”

“This missile was deliberately targeted at a strategic, underwater population,” said one of the eels, “and was designed to create as many casualties as possible.”

A press release issued by the blue whales asked for immediate action to be taken.  “We call upon our allies in all strata of the ecosystem to rebuke this insidious act of aggression.”

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il denied his government was targeting the marine animals.  “Little sea creatures, you are mistaken,” he said. “Our missile deployed a satellite into a deep space orbit, far above the oceans.”

“Satellite, my funnel!” said a giant squid. “I lost eight thousand of my family members in the attack, and now I have cheap Korean shrapnel embedded in my number three tentacle.”

A rally is set for Thursday in the Sea of Japan. Most of the sea creatures will be attending, with the exception of the coral.

“It’s too much doom and gloom, if you ask me,” said one of the crusty creatures noted for its hard, calcified shell. “The way I see it, Mr. Jong-Il has done us a favor by creating a large heap of something to attach ourselves to, enabling us to continually reproduce for a hundred thousand years.”

As if to prove its point, the coral fastened itself to the mangled lower section of the missile and released an abundance of sperm into the water.  “Show a little gratitude, for godsakes.”