Today is: Thursday, July 24, 2014

Tag: secretary of state

North Korea Prepares to Launch Tinker Toys, Legos

WASHINGTON, D.C. — North Korea is preparing to launch a missile armed with Tinker Toys and red Legos, according to the U.S. State Department.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that reconnaissance satellite images have provided the United States and its allies with irrefutable evidence of the toy build-up.

“North Korean workers are assembling thousands of the little wooden wheels with green dowels sticking out of them,” said Clinton. “They’re installing them as payload in their missile delivery systems as we speak.”

North Korean dictator Kim  Jong Il has threatened to fire the Tinker Toys at the United States if the U.S. continues to blockade shipments of Lincoln Logs destined to the communist regime.

The Obama administration reiterated its position that Lincoln Logs will not make their way onto North Korean soil unless Jong Il reverses his nuclear ambitions.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said he doubts the Tinker Toys could make it farther than fifty yards off the Korean peninsula, but the Legos could pose a serious threat to Hawaii.

“Fifty-million red Lego blocks landing in Pearl Harbor is unacceptable,” said Gates. “That’s why the U.S. Navy has begun to stockpile its Pacific fleet with suction-cup darts and spring-loaded Nerf guns as a precautionary measure.”

McCain Names Cheerleader Secretary of State

McCain Chooses Secretary of StateMINNEAPOLIS – On the tails of his controversial vice-presidential selection, Senator John McCain has made yet another startling announcement, this time telling an audience of steelworkers that 16-year-old Emma Rae Schurr of Bulls Gap, Tennessee will be his Secretary of State.

Ms. Schurr is a junior at Robert E. Lee High School, where she captains the cheerleading squad and has served two semesters on student council as Secretary of Spirit.

Criticism has been quick to pour in from both sides of the aisle.  “This girl has no experience on the international stage,” said former presidential candidate Mitt Romney.  “She’s never travelled outside of her home state and hasn’t even graduated from high-school.”

But other Republicans have been quick to defend McCain’s choice.  “She’s a mother of a cute little boy, with another on the way,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina).  “She clearly opposes both abortion and contraception, and should be applauded as an example for young men and women everywhere.”

“And with two semesters in student government under her belt,” added Republican advisor Karl Rove, “she has more experience than Senator Obama’s half-a-term in the senate.”

As Ms. Schurr celebrated the news at a local Appleby’s, her parents presented her with a fake I.D. so she could “knock back” a few beers.  “I couldn’t be no prouder of my little girl,” said her father, Hank Schurr.  “She’s turning into a real woman.  Just look at them little titties.”

“Keep your hands to yourself, daddy,” Ms. Schurr told her father. “When I become John McCain’s secretary, he’s not gonna want no one else touching me there.”

For his part, Sen. McCain remained steadfast on his decision to appoint a cabinet member a full two-months before the election.  “How many Secretary of States do you know who can do a cartwheel and three-flips while shouting ‘We’re Number One’?” he asked. “I’m fortunate and honored that Ms. Schurr will be an integral part of my administration.”

Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin agreed.  “It’s a great day for Republicans,” she said. “And I invite Hillary Clinton supporters to join us, now that John McCain has shown his unwavering commitment to young women.”

Obama Offers Clinton Cabinet Position

DENVER, CO – In a conciliatory gesture to his opponent, Senator Obama today reached out to Senator Clinton by offering her the cabinet position of “Secretary of Sewing,” which he said he created “just for Hillary.”

Although bypassing her for the number two spot on the ticket, Senator Obama said he nevertheless values Sen. Clinton’s experience and she would be a “welcome addition to anybody’s cabinet.”

Obama said that he created the new post after hearing an impassioned Chelsea Clinton relate the story of how her mother would stay up at night, sewing patches onto her Girl Scout uniform. “Sewing has always been an integral part of American culture,” he said, “from the time Betsy Ross stitched together the first America flag from scraps of blood-tainted cloth ripped from the soiled shirts of slaves, to astronaut Lisa Nowak, an American hero who sewed a space-diaper to her panties so she could drive across country to stalk her rival without stopping to relieve herself.”

In her harshest rebuff yet to any statement from Senator Obama, Clinton called the offer “crass and insulting.”

“Now, who’s being elitist?” responded Obama. “Hard-working women all across this country toil tirelessly to sew and knit for their families. I find it revealing that Senator Clinton holds the tradition in such contempt.”

In a letter to the New York Times, Obama confirmed that he was sincere about the offer, stating that Senator Clinton should consider it her “last best chance” to be anywhere near the White House in the next four years, and describing the historic significance this would have for the nation.

“It shows the strength and greatness of our country,” he wrote, “where in 2008, a black man can be Commander-in-Chief and a woman can be the mouth of the sewer.”