Tag: donald trump

Trump Vows to Keep Trains Running on Time

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — In a series of late night tweets, President Trump yesterday set as a goal the absolute precision of Amtrak arrival and departure timetables. “If a train is supposed to leave from Newark at a certain time,” he wrote, “it should leave at that time and not at another time.”

In another tweet he added, “Everybody knows Obama’s trains were minutes and seconds late. His trains did not run on time. Sad.”

Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders noted that whatever opinion one has of the president, “he will go down in history as one of a select group of world leaders who kept his commitment to the railroad industry.”

“However history books view Donald Trump a hundred years from now,” added Sanders, “they will all agree that he kept the trains running on time.”

Trump’s Hands

trump-hands

Mein Trumpf

Trump Vows to Bring Scalia Back from the Dead

COLUMBIA, SC (TheSkunk.org) — Claiming that he has a “knack for bringing the deceased back to life,” Donald Trump told a crowd of evangelical voters today that if elected, he will bring the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia back from the dead.

Trump said this would put an end to the controversy as to whether or not the Senate should confirm an Obama lame-duck nomination to replace the long-serving jurist. “The simplest solutions are sometimes the best,” he said. “We bring a living Scalia back to the bench and that solves everything.”

“No one else can bring dead things back like I can,” boasted Trump. “I just pick up the phone and make it happen. We could even throw in Earl Warren for good measure.”

“But first,” he added, “you have to make me your president.”

Trump’s Plan to Deport Illegals Would Exclude the Ones Working for Him

New York (TheSkunk.org) – Presidential candidate Donald Trump today clarified his position on illegal immigration, saying his plan to deport millions of undocumented immigrants would specifically exclude the ones currently employed by his various business enterprises.

“In all the time these illegal immigrants have been working for me, they have not raped or murdered anyone,” said Trump in an interview on NBC. “They are hard-working, cream-of-the-crop illegals.”

Trump claimed the undocumented workers he hires are more willing to help the billionaire increase his bottom line than the ones who are American citizens. “Can you believe it? These Mexican maids bust their butts in my hotels for pennies on the dollar,” he boasted. “And the gardeners and mechanics will accept even less, because working for Trump is enough compensation for them.”

He explained that his plan for deporting illegal immigrants would affect only the remaining eleven million who are not under his employ. Trump noted it would not be the only time he issues a directive favoring himself. “When I’m president, there will be a lot of other exemptions I make exclusively for the Trump Organization,” he said. “The American people love the idea of me giving myself special treatment under the law.”

“My illegals happen to be the best illegals in the world,” he added. “And to send them back to Mexico would be un-American.”

Uranus to Appear as Large as Donald Trump’s Head on August 27th

PASADENA, CA (TheSkunk.org) — Star viewers will be in for a real treat on August 27, when Uranus will appear to be as big as Donald Trump’s head. This celestial happening occurs once every 50,000 years, thus the last people to witness this event were Cro-Magnons — who, coincidentally, comprise a majority of Trump supporters.

A spokesperson from NASA said it will be hard to miss. “Look up at the night sky from anywhere in the world,” he said, “and with the naked eye Uranus will appear to be almost indistinguishable from Donald Trump’s head, minus the hair.”

The “Double Uranus” phenomenon, as it is known, is an illusion caused by a rare occurrence of cosmic events.

“Due to the enormous gravitational pull of Trump’s ever-expanding head,” said the spokesperson, “the gas giant will be forced into an egocentric orbit which, in turn, creates the illusion that Trump’s head would fit perfectly inside Uranus without much room to spare.”

Trump discounted the claim on social media, where he tweeted, “NASA Scientists Are Losers” and “Uranus is an ugly planet that looks like Rosie O’Donnell on a bad day.”

Trump’s Immigration Policy Exposed

Trump Forms Charity to Find Cure for Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) — One need not be cynical to believe that celebrities only make large donations to causes when they have some personal connection to it. Not that there’s a problem with that; it takes huge amounts of money to conduct research into various ailments with the hope of someday discovering a cure, and these folks certainly have the cash as well as the good intentions. Take, for example, the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research or the Rick Perry Institute for Mental Impotency.  Joining that elite club is now the Donald J. Trump Center for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a non-profit research and treatment facility.

“Look, it’s something I’ve had since I was a boy,” said Trump. “In fact, I was the youngest person ever to get this disorder, and now that I have more money than anyone else in the world, I can do something about it.”  Trump has pledged half his alleged wealth, some $5 billion dollars, toward finding a cure.

Trump, whose name has become a moniker for everything from high-rises to golf courses, from cologne to butt plugs, said he is interested in the science of why he behaves like a boorish snake-oil vendor. “I like to see my name a lot, and I mean a lot – more than anyone else,” admitted the billionaire real estate mogul, “and I like to say my name even more. It rolls off your tongue with certain panache that no one else’s name has: ‘Trump,’ ‘Trump,’ ‘Trump.’”

According to Trump, the researchers working at the Center will be recruited from the Miss America Pageant, which he owns and operates. “I’ve taken a lot of criticism over this — more criticism than anyone else in all of history,” he said, “but I think women with big breasts make the best scientists. And these young women have the biggest breasts in the world, believe me, bigger than even Brazil.”

Anyone waiting for a cure in the near future will be disappointed.  “Whatever serum or vaccination or pills they come up with, I’m having them make enough only for me,” he explained.  “It’s my money, fuck you.”

Trumps contends NPD is one of the “top conditions in the world” for science to tackle. “And I have it probably bigger than anyone else who ever lived,” he said.  “That’s why my name will be huge across the front of the facility and my likeness will be painted on all the walls.”

“I have a large personality and so the narcissism doesn’t bother me too much,” noted Trump, “but if I can prevent some other asshole in the future from wanting to see his name covering up mine, then it will all have been worth it.”

 

GOP Blames Loss on Too Many People Voting for Other Candidate

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — In the week since their candidate’s dramatic loss to Barack Obama, Republicans have been reflecting on the results of the 2012 presidential election, trying to find an explanation for the humiliating defeat that left their party shell-shocked and grieving. One theory keeps resurfacing in GOP circles: Voters marked their ballots for Obama in greater numbers than Romney.

The theory has gained so much ground, that Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus blames the defeat entirely on the voters.

“We’ve analyzed poll data from around the country,” said Priebus, “and there’s no doubt in my mind that Governor Romney would have won easily, were it not for the so-called ‘Obama Supporters,’ who voted for the President in astronomical numbers because they believed he would do a better job.”

Priebus called it “dirty politics,” saying that “anyone can win an election if they have more people vote for them than the other guy.”

An irritated Rush Limbaugh said the anti-Romney voters stole the election by voting together in a huge block to elect the president.  “It’s the biggest conspiracy this nation has ever seen,” claimed the blustering  talk show host. “Let’s just have everybody go out and vote for the same person. It makes a mockery of our democracy.”

Donald Trump agreed. ”What we saw in this election is no coincidence,” alleged the billionaire real estate mogul. “To have that many people vote for the same guy in the same election, Obama must have gotten to them during the course of the campaign and convinced them or influenced them or somehow won them over. That’s not how we do things in this country, but you wouldn’t know that unless you were born here.”

“The math makes it very clear,” said Limbaugh. “If four million of the people who voted for Obama had never been born – or if they had been born and suddenly disappeared off the face off the earth before the first polls opened – Romney would have come out on top.”

Sen. Mitch McConnell called for an investigation into the way the Obama campaign “rigged the election with voters who favored the President over his opponent.”

“It’s ballot stuffing, pure and simple,” said McConnell. “If the only way one party can win an election is to entice more people to go to the polls than the other guy and vote for their candidate merely because they like him better, I fear for the future of our republic.”

“It’s very clear to anyone who looks at the numbers,” declared Priebus. “Obama won this election in a completely unethical  manner, by persuading a disproportionate amount of people to mark his name on their ballot instead of Governor Romney’s. “

“It is a sad day for America,” added Priebus. “Millions of voters chose to install Barack Obama in the White House instead of a car elevator.”

Donald Trump to Debate His Own Penis

NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) – Unable to book any GOP presidential candidates for a debate he is scheduled to moderate later this month, millionaire businessman Donald Trump today announced he will be debating his own penis.

The format of the debate, to be televised by COX Broadcasting, will be “freestyle one-on-one,” according to the real estate mogul cum reality host. “It’ll be one man and one penis discussing the stimulating issues facing our country.”

Trump is best known as the developer of some of the world’s largest erections, including apartment buildings, hotels, and casinos.

“I always tell people not to underestimate my penis,” said Trump. “It’s head isn’t as big as mine, but it’s very smart.”

Trump brushed off accusations the debate is nothing more than a publicity stunt, insisting viewers will be “enlightened and entertained” listening to him share ideas on the economy and foreign policy with his perspicacious genital organ.

“It’s going to be a wonderful two-hours of television for the whole family,” said Trump, who has invited several impoverished school children to be part of the audience. “You’re really going to see the two of us shake things up.”

Trump claims to have the best debating penis in the world. “I’ve never heard of another penis that can get to the thrust of a topic like mine,” he noted. “It’s up on all the issues and it’s very quick, but I think I can beat it.”

The debate will be interesting, according to Trump, because he and his penis approach subjects from opposite ends. “We don’t always see eye-to-eye on everything,” he said. “We can each be very hardheaded.”

Trump, who claims to be a master debater, said he has been preparing for this ever since he was a teenager. “My penis engages me in important conversations every day, and I think the American people will be interested in what it has to say.”

Depending on the outcome of the debate, Trump said there is still a possibility he will enter the presidential race, most likely as a third-party candidate.

Would he consider choosing his penis as his running mate?

Said Trump: “It’s on my short list.”