Ted Cruz’s Tea Party Guide to Health Care

Ted CruzThe President’s nefarious plan to make sure all Americans are covered by health insurance is a scourge that must be defeated. We have worked too long and hard in the Republican Party to see this pseudo-negro’s giant socialist welfare agenda succeed.

We are a country born of self-reliance and rugged individualism. Americans don’t want the government protecting them if they get ill. We want the freedom to get sick and sicker and sicker, free from the bonds of modern-day, progressive “medicine.”

If we get sick, we tough it out. Right?  Of course.

That’s why I encourage all of you to do the patriotic thing: suck it up and live with your pain and disease, knowing that your martyrdom will help reduce the presidency of Barack Obama to a mere footnote. Don’t be lured by the promises of “affordability” or of not going bankrupt if you are hospitalized. Bankruptcy is a truly American experience, and only our socialist president would want to prevent you from tasting the fruits of the free market.

The fact is, if you get catastrophically ill and cannot afford to pay your medical bills, you should go bankrupt and be thankful you’re not dead.  If you were a true patriot, you wouldn’t accept medical services you couldn’t afford — you would curl up in your bed, suffer and then die, just like they did during the time when our country was founded.


If you get sick, tough it out until 2017, when I become president and can set our country back on the track to the time when your health was at the mercy of unregulated insurance company executives who only have your best interests at heart.

In the meantime, here are four suggestions to keep you healthy until I take over the reigns of Commander-in-Chief from that worthless Nigerian fuckhole:


Don’t talk to them.  Don’t look at them.  Don’t even say the words “Homo,” or “Butt Pirate.”  If you can avoid the Gays, the chances of you contracting an icky disease is reduced by 60%, according to a study done by the Heritage Foundation’s Department of Science and Biblical Conjecture. If you see a gay coming your way, the best course of action is to hide until they go by.  If there is no place to hide, making snide remarks to them can help somewhat.  I suggest, “Burn in Hell, you anti-Christ piece of shit.” My papacita taught me that one, and it has served me well throughout the years, not just as a protection against gaiety, but as a general greeting to feminists, liberals and Jews.


It doesn’t matter if they’re here legally or illegally, really.  Immigrants all carry at least one of the many anti-American diseases, like tolerance, honesty and whooping cough.  Emergency rooms around the country are filled with innocent Americans stricken with some God-awful illness brought on by breathing the same air as someone born on foreign soil. Even though I was born in Canada, you don’t have to fear breathing the flatulent aroma emanating from my pores, because all my icky-foreigner diseases have been eradicated due to the nature of my superior specialness.


This is a no-brainer.  People who work for the government are teaming with so many bacteria and viruses, getting too near them is like walking into a mosque during their month-long Ramada Inn celebration.  Those Hebes have a holiday for everything. That is why it is wise to renew your driver’s licenses online.  If you must enter a local DMV, make sure you wear a surgical mask and burn your clothes when you get home.


Unfortunately, our schools today teach that hatred is a bad thing.  But Tea Party Republicans know otherwise.  A true, gut-churning hatred will set your bodily functions ablaze, and that fire will incinerate any virus or bacteria that may be left over from sharing a drink with a liberal. Studies have shown that if you hate your neighbor, you can reduce the incidences of pneumonia by 25%.  If you hate the government, you will reduce your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease by 45%.  And if you hate President Obama — I mean really hate him, with all your heart and soul — you will never get sick and you will live forever in a world where guns and hatred and corporate greed are free to flourish and thrive, side by side by side, in harmony with God’s divine plan.


The biggest defense against poor health is to pretend that things are different than they really are. Listen to those voices in your head. Allow them to be your guardians and protectors. They can convince you of anything. They can change wrong to right, day to night, weakness to might.  For me, those voices are tiny constituents, who guide me in the fight against the physical world and keep me healthy, strong and indignant.  Don’t let some physician with fancy degrees tell you you have cancer, when you know the only cancer in the world is Barack Obama and his malignant, socialist agenda of helping the poor and strengthening the middle class.

If you follow these guidelines, you will never need medical attention. We can defeat Obamacare and restore America to the way it was when Christopher Columbus and his brave crew brought disease and mayhem to the Indians, before sending them back to the reservations, where they were allowed to die with dignity — and no health insurance.



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