Shoes Thrown at Bush Send Message to Senator Craig

BAGHDAD – An Iraqi journalist hurled a pair of shoes at President Bush on Sunday during a press conference in the country’s capital. While Bush took the incident in stride, chalking it up to freedom of expression, Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) insisted the airborne Oxfords communicated something entirely different.

“He’s sending a message,” said Senator Craig, who subsequently scheduled a flight to the Baghdad Airport to meet personally with the shoe-tossing reporter in a series of private meetings. “When he tossed the left shoe, he was indicating his pent-up frustration – his readiness to explode at the situation at hand. When he tossed his right shoe, he was unmistakably soliciting oral sex from a closeted, homophobic American politician.”

In a videotaped statement to the Iraqi reporter, Craig tapped his right foot three times, clicked his heels together and rubbed his crotch in a counter-clockwise direction.

“Help is on its way,” promised Craig as he boarded an international flight destined for the Muslim nation. “When I meet this young man, he’ll receive more than lip-service from me,” he said. “I’ll bend over backwards, give him a helping hand and put him back on top.”

Upon his arrival in Baghdad, however, Craig was met with nothing but disappointment. The journalist, learning of the senator’s impending visit, strapped an explosive device to his chest and blew himself up inside an airport men’s room.

At an impromptu press conference, Senator Craig expressed his condolences to the man’s family and fellow journalists. “He was a vibrant, healthy young man,” said Craig, “and I am saddened that he got blown in this manner,”