Bank Offers Free Anal Sex with Checking

NEW YORK — One of the nation’s top financial institutions is offering its customers free anal sex when they open a new account.

“There’s a lot of talk these days among Americans about how their banks have been reaming them,” said Richard Harding III, Director of Public Affairs for Chaste Bank, N.A., “but we’re the first ones to put it in writing.”

Customers who show up at any branch to open up a checking or savings account will be “conveniently buggered,” according to Harding, “while they wait.”

Rejecting the “one-size-fits-all” paradigm of the past, Chaste will offer anal penetration in a variety of formats to suit individual needs.

“They can choose to be sodomized by one of the pricks who work for us,” he explained, “or by a complimentary pen, with the bank’s hours printed on it.”

With the banking industry under intense scrutiny in recent months for its unwillingness to assist struggling homeowners, Chaste — one of the largest real estate lenders in the country — has extended its anal sex program to customers seeking to renogiate terms of their mortgage.

For homeowners who apply for a loan modification, Chaste offers three months of trial anal sex, with the promise of ongoing monthly rectal insertions should their modifications be approved.

“We’ve taken President Obama’s ‘Make Home Affordable’ program and lowered the bar,” said Harding. “Standing behind every one of our borrowers is a rock-solid Chaste employee.”

The promotion begins on January 1st and will be open-ended.

“Whatever your financial needs,” noted Harding, “think of Chaste — where ‘Anal Sex’ is our middle name.”