CUCUMBER, WV (TheSkunk.org) — A group of coal miners criticized President Trump today for his pledge to bring back coal mining by rolling back Obama-era environmental regulations. The miners, who had worked in the coal industry for most of their lives, were relishing the end of the coal era and starting new careers in the renewable energy sector. “I come from a family of miners,” said Ted Mumberfrey. “My father, my grandfather, my great-grandfather and his father were coal miners. They all died in their thirties.”
Mumberfrey, whose five brothers were killed in a mine explosion in 2004, was looking forward to becoming a solar panel installer, when the call came to come back to the mines. “Fucking Trump didn’t even ask us,” he said. “I was already enrolled in community college, learning a skill relevant to today’s job market. Now I have to go back to this shit?”
“If Trump uses the words ‘clean coal’ one more time, I’m going to puke,” declared Manny Blindersen, from his bed in the Respiratory Intensive Care section at the local hospital. He coughed a few times, bringing up clumps of darkened blood from his mouth, before continuing. “Has he ever been down there? Let him spend twelve hours inhaling that shit and then tell us what he thinks.”
“You know what’s really clean?” asked Mumberfrey. “Sunlight. Wind. The worst you get is chapped lips and a tan.”
“I voted for the asshole,” lamented Blindersen, in a raspy whisper. “I thought he would be bringing us jobs in an ever-changing digital economy. But what does he do? He jump-starts coal mining. Coal mining, for gods sakes! Really? I thought we were done with that outdated, air-polluting crap.”
Blindersen was released early from the hospital that afternoon and provided with an oxygen mask and tank – paid for by his Obamacare insurance — so he could begin work at 5:00 the next morning at the bottom of a dimly lit cave of black dust.