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Trump Vows to Keep Trains Running on Time

In a series of late night tweets, President Trump yesterday set as a goal the absolute precision of Amtrak arrival and departure timetables. “If a train is supposed to leave from Newark at a certain time,” he wrote, “it should leave at that time at not at another time.”

Coal Miners Blast Trump for Bringing Back Coal Mining

Photo of two men in a coal mine

CUCUMBER, WV (TheSkunk.org) — A group of coal miners criticized President Trump today for his pledge to bring back coal mining by rolling back Obama-era environmental regulations. The miners, who had worked in the coal industry for most of their lives, were relishing the end of the coal era and starting new careers in the […]

Sandusky Asks to be Relocated to Juvenile Detention Facility

Sadusky wearing prison orange.

GREEN COUNTY, PA (TheSkunk.org) — After being harassed and threatened by fellow inmates at the maximum security facility where he is serving a sentence of 30-60 years for child sexual assault, Jerry Sandusky has asked to be transferred to a juvenile detention facility. The former Penn State assistant football coach said the torment he receives […]

Trump’s Hawaiian Investigators Found Dead

HONOLULU (TheSkunk.org) — After an anonymous tip on Monday, authorities uncovered the remains of the investigators Donald Trump sent to Hawaii over five years ago to verify the birthplace of then-President Barack Obama. The bodies, whose identities were not released pending first-of-kin notifications, were discovered hidden deep beneath the Hawaiian shore. “[The investigators] have been […]

Trump to Pardon Bill Cosby

In a light night tweet, President-Elect Donald Trump yesterday said he would pardon comedian Bill Cosby, who faces prosecution on three counts of felony aggravated assault case from 2004.

Barron Trump to Serve as Secretary of Child Labor

President-Elect Donald Trump today announced he has appointed his youngest son, Barron Trump, 10, to serve as head of the newly created Department of Child Labor.

Trump to Re-Open U.S. Internment Camps; Will Make Japan Pay for It

Manzanar, CA (TheSkunk.org) – In his latest speech on foreign policy, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump today announced his intention to refurbish the Japanese relocation camps originally authorized by Franklin Roosevelt in 1942. The camps were constructed to retain citizens of Japanese descent who were rounded-up during World War II, in order to calm a […]

Tenants of Trump Tower Petition for Name Change

NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) – Residents of Trump Tower have signed a petition asking that Trump’s name be removed from the 58-story building. Although the famous skyscraper located at 725 Fifth Avenue is owned by Trump, himself, the petitioners have had no success in convincing their billionaire landlord to remove his name from the property, and […]

Justice Ginsburg Apologizes for Calling Trump ‘A Faker’; Says ‘Egomaniacal Shit Stain’ More Appropriate

Had she thought about it, explained Ginsburg, she would have referred to the Republican Presidential nominee as an “ego-maniacal shit stain” or a “puss-infused phlegm ball.”

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Mein Trumpf

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