In a recent opinion poll, consumers preferred the new Union Bank logo, a swollen red vagina, to Walmart’s yellow puckered anus, by a margin of two-to-one.
“People have always associated the banking industry with that very special female part,” according to Mel Wornauschky, Vice President of Marketing for Union Bank. “In fact, many of our employees are playfully called ‘Vaginas’ by our loyal customers.”
While admitting that more males than females prefer the new logo, Wornauschky insists the use of the vagina makes for more than just a cool letterhead.
“It reflects our corporate philosophy,” he explained. “We detached it from its hiding place and made it the new symbol for banking excellence. We’re saying, ‘Come in and apply for a loan. No need to hide anything. At Union Bank, you can expose your vagina — or your wife’s. And as tempting for us as that might be, we will never screw you — or your wife.'”
“Well, at least not during business hours,” he added. “You have more than our word on it; you have the integrity of the Union Bank swollen red vagina.”
While Union Bank was pleased with the survey results, a Walmart executive said his company doesn’t give them much credence.
“The polling criteria were too narrow,” insisted Advertising Director Norman Ellijay, a thirty-year Walmart veteran who came up with the new design. “Our customers love our huge puckered anus. It draws them in.”
He also discredited the pollsters, as “rank amateurs who have probably never even seen the inside of a Walmart, yet alone a man’s anus, and have no business soliciting the opinions of those of us who have.”
While admitting that more gay males than straight ones prefer the new logo, Ellijay insists that most customers overwhelming approve of the puckered-anus design, and claimed that since Walmart switched to the new symbol, sales have increased dramatically.
“The puckered anus reflects Walmart’s dedication to the common man,” noted Elalja. “We’re saying, ‘Come on in. We’ll bend over backwards to serve you, while showing off our little yellow swollen sphincters, to boot.'”
