Herman Cain Vows to Make Himself a 'One-Term President'

SPRINGDALE, AR — In a speech to Republicans attending the 38th Lincoln Day Dinner at the Holiday Inn, Herman Cain told supporters if he becomes president, he will work diligently to make sure he does not get elected to a second term.

“The single most important thing I want to achieve while in office,” said Cain, invoking the words of Senator Mitch McConnell, “is to make myself a One-Term President.”

Cain said although he will futilely try to get his impractical economic policies through Congress, he recognizes “the disappointment certain aspects of my party will have with a second African-American serving as president — and so soon after the first one.”

He promised the audience to do “what this current president refuses to do, and make sure the American people do not elect me a second time — even if that means lying to you about my record, or telling people I was born in Nairobi or comparing myself to Hitler, Mussolini or the Devil, himself.”

Tea Party members in attendance gave Cain a standing ovation. “He’s got my vote,” declared one Tea Partier, “and once he takes that oath of office, he can rest assured racism will have absolutely nothing to do with my seething hatred of the man.”

Cain ended his speech with a promise to the cheering crowd. “By the end of my second year,” he added, “it will be abundantly evident that we must replace me and my failed policies.”