Romney Greets NAACP Conference with 'Hakuna Matada'

HOUSTON (TheSkunk.org) — In a speech Wednesday to the annual NAACP leadership convention, Mitt Romney opened by greeting the crowd with the phrase “Hakuna Matada.” The audience reacted with curious bewilderment, as the presumptive Republican presidential nominee smiled and gave the “thumbs up” sign.

“Have no worries for the rest of your days,” explained Romney. “And that’s how your life will be if I’m your president. Hakuna Matada.”

Romney paused for a moment, as if waiting for applause, but none followed.

“Swahili is a beautiful language,” he continued. “I tried to memorize a few additional phrases before coming here, but I must confess, it’s a bitch of a language to master, and I’ll really have little use for it after today. So if you don’t mind, I’ll be speaking in English, which most of you learned listening to those wonderful slave stories handed down from your ancestors.”

Romney tried to deflect a chorus of “Boos” emanating from the audience by changing the subject to slavery, calling it an early prototype of our country’s free enterprise system. While he condemned institutional slavery “in the broad sense,” he praised plantation owners for being America’s first real job creators. “I think we can all agree: the main thing wrong with their business model was this whole ‘not-paying-the workers-anything’ deal. Had these hardworking men and women been given three, four, even five dollars a week, this organization wouldn’t even exist, because you’d have nothing to complain about.”

After promising to reduce unemployment in the African American community from 14% down to “an acceptable 13% or 13.5%,” he surprised everyone by announcing three job openings for “dark-skinned blacks” at his renovated mansion in San Diego.

“Tonight, I will reduce unemployment among your people by three,” he said. “Raise your hand if you’d like a fun and challenging career working for the Romney household.”

Romney said he needs to hire “one guy who can read numbers” to operate his new car elevator; “one strapping, muscular guy” to be a security guard; and one “old-fashioned, fat mammy type – like on the syrup bottle” to have around as a conversation starter. “And the best part is,” noted Romney, “you’ll be paid through my corporation located in the Cayman Islands, so there will be no deductions taken out and you’ll be receiving cash — real U.S. currency that you can spend in any liquor store in the country.”

Romney continued his speech, undeterred by half the audience parading out of the auditorium, raising their middle fingers in his direction as they exited. The other half remained in their chairs, their middle fingers also raised in his direction. Romney seemed oblivious, announcing to the sea of raised middle fingers that he saved his best proposal for last.

“I know the biggest concern among African-Americans is over-crowding in jails,” he said. “At this very moment, your uncle or father might be sharing a cell with up to six other inmates. And chances are, one out of ten of you will be there yourself within a year. It’s an inhumane condition, and if I am fortunate enough to be your president, I will put a stop to it, by contracting with private companies to build new prisons and expand our current ones.”

“Your loved ones,” he added, “should not have to share their cells with more than three other people.”