Trump to Seize Larger of Two Greenlands

JANUARY 13, 2026 (TheSkunk.org) — At a press conference Tuesday, President Trump insisted U.S. military forces will be capturing the “great big” Greenland and not the tiny one found on globes. “The big Greenland is as big as Africa and better for our strategic defense,” he said. “The tiny little Greenland is for losers. Denmark can keep that one.” A reporter for CNN pointed out that there is only one Greenland, and the apparent size discrepancy referrred to by the president is due to the so-called “Mercator projection map,” a two-dimensional reproduction of the earth  that distorts land masses by stretching them out as they get closer to the poles.

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt replied by insisting the press is lying about the Danish islands. “The only way there could be one Greenland is to rid the world of its globes and other fake geography taught in the liberal universities,” she said.” And that’s currently an option we’re looking into.”

“Until then,” continued Leavitt, “if the president says there are two Greenlands, then there are two Greenlands.”