CHICAGO — As one of his first orders as President of the United States, Barack Obama pledged to rename “Black Friday” — the first day after Thanksgiving in which most retailers begin making a profit — as “Multiracial Friday.”
“The racial divides in America are falling down around us,” said Obama in a press conference earlier today, “and it is time for the labels of yesterday to reflect the diversity of our great country.”
The President-Elect also said that if schools across America want to continue receiving federal dollars, “Blackboards” would have to be known as “Boards of Color.”
He urged the Crayola Company to immediately cease their age-old tradition of labeling crayons based solely on their hue. “Why should children be forced to differentiate between red, green or gold?” he asked. “When there are purple, blue and yellow crayons that should have the same opportunity to end up on the pages of a coloring book?”
He also requested that his hometown’s own Chicago White Sox change their moniker to “The All-Inclusive Sox.”
Explaining that his presidency would be the first color-blind administration in U.S. history, he informed reporters that “The White House” would be rebranded as “The Snowy Palace” on the day of his inauguration.