North Korea Reports 500,000 Dissidents Killed by Freak Lightning Strike

North Korean Protestors Struck by Lightning

PYONGYANG, North Korea ( — Following claims that lightning struck all the members of their women’s World Cup soccer team, resulting in their 2-0 defeat by the Americans, North Korean officials are now asserting that an additional half-a-million dissidents, protestors and human rights activists were killed by another lightning strike that hit the entire country.

In a press release, the government said it was “saddened at the tragic demise of those citizens who merely wished to express their displeasure with our leader, Kim Jong-il.”

According to Moo Lo-wi, Director of Dissident Dispensation, the lightning “systematically directed its deadly force at those who wasted valuable work time reflecting on such abstract concepts as personal liberty, freedom from tyranny, and the ability to do and think as they please.”

Although governments around the world have expressed skepticism at North Korea’s account of events, the communist nation insists the story is true. Lo-wi said they would be happy to produce evidence, but all the witnesses were “unfortunately destroyed” in the freak lightning storm, which also “momentarily disabled all of the country’s 300 million security cameras.”

Scientists at the North Korean Center for Climate Control said the lightning told them it was necessary to terminate the lives of those who perpetuate such scandalous ideas, and it would do it again, if the citizens do not “choose their words more wisely.”

“The good news,” added Lo-wi, “is the lightning advised us that those who express their unyielding love for our Supreme Leader and obey all his directives will be spared such a cruel death in the future.”