Chris Christie Vows to Keep Eating Until He’s ‘Bigger Than Taft’

TRENTON, NJ — Governor Chris Christie today responded to criticism of his obesity by announcing plans to continue expanding his waistline until he is “bigger and heavier than that fat fuck William Taft.”

President William Howard Taft, who served in the White House from 1909-1913, has the distinction of being the country’s fattest chief executive, weighing in at a maximum of 335 pounds during his term. Historians note that he was so large, he couldn’t fit in the regular-sized bathtub and had an oversized one built especially for him.

“If they think I’m huge now,” remarked Christie, “just wait until they see me in 2016, when I run for president.” He said by the time voters send him to Washington, he will be the “fattest man ever to roam the face of the earth.”

“Taft couldn’t fit in the bathtub,” he said, “and I won’t fit through the doors. They’ll have to hoist me up with a helicopter paid for at government expense and drop me in through the roof, the way they do at the governor’s mansion.”

Christie said he will never apologize for eating the disgusting amounts of food he shovels down his throat each day. “I will fucking eat your dog if you don’t keep it on a leash,” he told one reporter. “And I’m not giving any of it to the homeless. Fuck the homeless; they don’t do anything but sit around all day eating food that would have otherwise gone to me.”

Christie, who is regarded by scholars to be the fattest person to ever hold elected office at the state level, lambasted the notion that presidents should be “lean and healthy,” dismissing the last ten commanders-in-chief as “lightweights — hardly fat enough to leave a butt-print on the back seat of the presidential limousine.”

“Sure, Bill Clinton was a little chubby,” added Christie, “but I can devour three men his size for breakfast and still not shit for a week.”