As 2012 looms just around the corner, The Skunk is pleased to present its annual assessment of the ten greatest jobs of the new year.
10. Wife of Newt Gingrich
With a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s at your behest, think of how many trinkets you will be able to purchase over the course of your 8-to-10-year assignment portraying the current spouse of the former Speaker. If you can tolerate the regular anal bleachings, you’ll be set for life.
9. Political Strategist/Consultant
Get paid for going on TV and pretending to be an expert in public policy and government. Whether Republican or Democrat, you can charge exorbitant fees for expressing a plethora of unverifiable opinions aligned with the views of your party. MSNBC, CNN and FOX News are currently hiring — if Republican, FOX will even give you the nifty title of “News Analyst” for your efforts.
8. Pilates Instructor
People in this profession get to stare at smokin’ hot women and/or men (according to preference) all day long, while raking in $45-50k a year, and without being taken to court. Nice. (CAUTION: If you come upon a forty-ish, platinum blonde in your class who goes by the name of “Angela,” don’t make eye contact, don’t lend her any money, and don’t tell her where you live. You’ll have to trust us on this one.)
7. Information Technology Specialist
If you know how to boot up a computer, there are many desperate firms eager to hire you. These are usually small businesses, where the proprietor is over the age of 70 and still does his accounting with a pen and paper. You most likely won’t have to do a lot of computer work, but your employer will be able to evade angry clients by proclaiming, “my IT Department is working on it.”
6. Dean of an Online University
Requiring no qualifications other than the ability to photoshop your name onto an image of a diploma taken from the Internet and email it to the personnel department, this satisfying career makes for more than great party conversation. With an annual salary starting in the $100,000 to $200,000 range, even if you’ve worked in the past as a stand-in on a porn set, you will no longer be embarrassed to tell your parents what you do for a living.
5. Medical Marijuana Distributor
If you live in California or another state that has legalized marijuana usage for medicinal purposes, you’d be a jackass not to slap a sign on the front of your garage offering relief to suffering chemotherapy patients (wink, wink) and anyone else who can forge their doctor’s signature on a Post-It Note. Even though, technically, the sale of weed is still a crime in the United States, by the time the Feds come looking for you, you will have already made enough money to live quite comfortably in a million-dollar terra cotta beach house off the coast of Ensenada for at least two or three years — or until the Mexican drug cartel finds you and forces you out of retirement.
4. WEB Entrepreneur
Although the World Wide Web has been around for over twenty years, we’re all still waiting for someone to harness its awesome wealth-producing powers. That’s why now is a great time to get business cards printed up associating yourself with this rewarding profession, without ever having to declare specifically what it is you do. Friends and neighbors will be so impressed that you figured out a way to make a living off the Internet, they’ll have no clue that you’re broke and living out of your parents’ basement.
3. Residential Real Estate Appraiser
Gone are the days when a highly trained individual had to actually come out to a property, take measurements, count bedrooms, and make an assessment of its worth by comparing it to similar homes recently sold in the surrounding neighborhoods. With the advent of sites like Zillow.com, professional appraisers today can simply enter an address and retrieve a home value instantly. With appraisal fees ranging from $500 to $1000 a pop, it’s surprising more people haven’t quit their day jobs to enter this fascinating career.
2. Professional Sperm Donor
Face it, guys, when you’re of a certain age, your testicles just don’t produce the high quality product they used to. With people waiting later in life to start a family, the rise of sperm banks has been inevitable. Although donating one’s liquid DNA has been seen in the past merely as a way to score some pocket change, it’s fast becoming a full-out profession. Aside from the thrill of getting paid for having a good time with a beaker inside a small sterile room, think of the legacy you will be leaving in the form of an army of humans with your weak chin and proclivity to sinus infections.
1. Homeless Person
Over three-million Americans already belong to this time-honored occupation, and estimates are that millions more will join their ranks in 2012. No prior experience is needed. Transportation is not required. A wide variety of benefits can be yours when entering this exciting profession, including the ability to set your own hours, being able to work outdoors, and not having to adhere to a strict dress code. Any level of education is acceptable — whether you are a Harvard graduate or sixth grader who hasn’t eaten breakfast in a month, the playing field is even and your opportunities, equal. Average income is $7.00 a day plus a half-eaten tuna sandwich.