BURBANK, CA (TheSkunk.org) — The Walt Disney Company today announced it has acquired Shantibody Media, the country’s largest producer of hardcore adult entertainment. The announcement comes on the tail of disappointing box office revenue for a string of recent flops, including “Oz the Great and Powerful” — a failure which studio execs blame on “audience apathy to movies with bad scripts.”
According to a press release, the acquisition is part of Disney’s attempt to keep up with the tastes of an aging, baby boomer audience. “They don’t go out to the movies much anymore,” acknowledged CEO Robert Iger, “ but they do like to stay home and masturbate.”
According to Iger, Disney will be producing 600 made-for-Internet short films a year through the new division, which will be called “Jizzneyland Films.”
“There is already an abundance of adult content on the web,” notes Iger, who disparages his competition as “junk shot on a home camcorder.” He said the Disney name will let viewers know they are getting a “higher quality of junk, shot with more expensive cameras.”
Because the videos will not exceed five minutes in length, Iger says production costs will be low, without sacrificing the extremely high production values their audiences have come to expect. A full page ad in the Hollywood Reporter touts the division’s future projects as “Sex with a Touch of Disney Magic (and a Little Bondage).”
“Our stable of existing characters is ripe for insertion into these new productions,” said Iger. “Already in the pipeline is ‘The Piddle Mermaid,’ ‘The Jungle Bootie,’ and my personal favorite, ‘Star Whores: May the Force Be Thrust Into You.’”
“For almost a hundred years we brought the world the best in family entertainment,” lamented Iger, “but our aging audience is no longer interested in princesses and mice, unless they’re naked and touching each other.”
“When you put your credit card number in some anonymous website, you never know what you’re going to get,” he added. “But when you see the Disney name, you know you’re going to get off.”
Marvel BELONGS in the studios Parks of Paris and Orlando. It is excltay the fresh new thing that those struggling parks need, Marvel and Star wars are the Savior s of the studio Parks, as long as Disney keeps those Parks without a major retheming, which is less cost effective. A Marvel theme park would be a bad idea because the marvel characters exist in the modern real world, so there couldn’t be any interesting themed lands that transport you to a different time and place, which is the key to a great theme park…think main street USA, wizarding world, frontierland, mysterious island. What would be the lands of Marvel theme Park? New York city, New York city and new York city? Ok I’m being sarcastic but you get the point. Gotham city or Metropolis would be the only interesting comic book places to visit, because they are fictional places, but unfortunately not marvel. And where would you go for relaxing? A marvel theme park would flood your senses with sci fi and constant conflict and violence, which although entertaining, would become mentally exhausting after 8 or 10 hours of being there. That’s why you need a peaceful place like new Orleans square, critter country where you can relax. Or you could have comic themed lands like universals IOA, but that sort of theming is not visually pleasing, and reminds me of the cheap postcard entrance to DCA that was replaced with the stunning Buena vista street. So the best fit for marvel is the studios Parks, as their own land or to fit them into already established themed lands such as they did with Indiana Jones and star tours. You could argue that iron man doesn’t belong in tomorrow land, and I would agree with you, but would also suggest that neither does starwars(which exists a long time ago, not in the future) and neither does buzz lightyear, which fits much better in toy story land of hong kong or Paris. But I will say that I would much rather have a fresh new thrilling iron man attraction than innoventions ANYDAY. But please NEVER build an entire park based on marvel or any other franchise for that matter. Generic themed lands work the best, that was the genious of Walt Disney, and even if its a tired old canard, it’s the truth. One look at the worlds most successful theme parks proves it.
Walt must be turning in his grave, if truth.
I bought it too, until I read the top of this page:
“theskunk.org ‘Tasteless American Satire for the Ill-informed’ ”
-Least we be informed, or in form, we will repeat it.