Postal Service to Increase Efficiency by Sending Employee Paychecks in the Mail

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Amid a growing financial crisis, the U.S. Postal Service today announced plans to increase speed and efficiency by sending postal worker paychecks through the mail.

“We’ve discontinued direct deposits of wages,” said Allen Jones, USPS Vice President, “and are instead printing out standard payroll checks, putting them into conventional, business-sized envelopes, affixing them with first-class postage stamps, and dumping them into a regular corner mailbox.”

Post office officials confirmed that paychecks were mailed out “last Tuesday or Wednesday – Thursday at the very latest.”

Panicked postal workers, upon learning of the new policy, began sorting and delivering mail at record pace. Union leaders, however threatened legal action if the policy is not reversed. “Management has unfairly decided to send our members’ checks through the U.S. mail,” declared Don Hager, Vice President of the American Postal Workers Union. “We will not allow this mistreatment to continue.”

The Postal Service is unwilling to back down. “The new payroll policy is all about our customers,” said Jones, “who should notice a significant improvement in their mail delivery — at least on every other Friday.”

Hager gave a deadline of 48 hours for his members to receive their checks before the union would file a complaint with the National Labor Relations Board. “Making postal workers responsible for delivering their own paychecks to themselves,” he said, “is an outright affront to workers’ rights.”

Jones was unaffected by the threat. “We did our part. If their paychecks haven’t arrived in their mailboxes yet, perhaps it’s time for a little introspection.”

“I suggest they give it a few more days,” added Jones. “You know how slow the mail can be during the holiday season.”