HANOI, VIETNAM — Donald Trump has made an offer to purchase the “Hanoi Hilton,” the infamous Vietnamese prison where John McCain spent five years as a POW, and turn it into high-rise, luxury resort.
The Trump Hanoi Hilton Towers and Beach Club would contain over two-thousand rooms when completed, with seven five-star restaurants, three Olympic sized pools, a championship golf course and — just off the lobby — a Museum of Torture, where visitors can relive the horrors of war that occured right under their feet.
“I’m keeping McCain’s actual prison cell intact,” said Trump, “and will be using its design as a motif for the rest of the building.”
Trump said he was originally going to remove the manacles from the McCain cell, but instead decided to install a pair in every room. “I want guests to have a little taste of what it would have been like to stay here in 1968, say, during the Tet Offensive — with the added comforts of a wet bar, indoor hot tub and private masseuse.”
Critics have called the project grotesque and insensitive. “At the very least, it’s showing incredibly bad taste,” said Sam Warmington, president of the American Veterans Defamation League. “This place represents immense suffering for thousands of people, both Americans and Vietnamese. It’s sacred ground. Put up a concrete memorial, maybe, but a hotel — it’s a little freaky.”
But Trump disagrees. “I am honoring the men and women who fought for our country, by turning a symbol of brutality into a high-profile, world travel destination with valet parking and a casino on the top floor,” he said. “Incidentally, the masseuses, none of whom is over the age of nineteen, are all grandchildren of the prison guards who actually worked here.”
The biggest supporter of the project appears to be none other than John McCain, himself. “If someone figures out a profitable way to exploit the injuries and suffering I endured as a prisoner-of-war, then it was all worth it,” said the senator and former presidential candidate. “The beatings, the mental trauma, the agonizing pain — I’d do it all again if it meant more money in the pockets of patriotic real estate developers like Mr. Trump. He’s the true hero.”
McCain, who has already pre-booked a room at the hotel, said he looked forward to getting a rubdown from the granddaughter of the man who electrocuted his testicles.
Construction has been estimated at a fraction of the cost of building a similar structure in the United States. “The Vietnamese are very good workers,” said Trump. “They make the equivalent of a dollar a day — and they can really live on it. American’s could learn a thing or two from the Vietnamese.”
Americans just might have an opportunity to learn those things as Trump has signed a deal with Vietnam State Television to produce “The Apprentice: Vietnam Edition.”
“We’ll see who’s the best rice farmer, and things like that,” said Trump. “At the end of the season, the winner will be rewarded by actually being the guy who cooks the rice in one of my restaurants at the resort.”
What happens to contestants who bring half-empty rice bags to the Donald? According to the Vietnam Government TV Production Company, they will be turned over to the state for reeducation.
Trump called the arrangement a “win-win situation.”
“Besides,” he added, “‘You’re Fired!’ doesn’t translate well into Vietnamese.”