HARDENBERG, KS — Circuit City has sold the last of its broken shit at amazing discounts of up to 50%. The electronics retailer is being liquidated after declaring bankruptcy last year.
Buyers foraged through the store like hungry rabbits on a parsnip farm, not wanting to miss out on a deal of a lifetime.
“This shit is cheaper than I could buy it anywhere else,” said Thomas Krascaw, president of a local homeowners association and an avid electronophile. “Who cares that there are parts missing?” Krascaw scooped up a laptop computer, the keyboard of which had three melted keys and some exposed wires. “Fifty-percent off!”
An assistant manager said he was glad to be getting rid of all of this shit. “We’ve had some of this shit on our shelves for years,” he said. “I know we’re going out of business and it really doesn’t matter, but to me, it’s a cleansing — an electronic colonic.”
As the cash registers tallied up sales, a fight broke out between two customers over a “Guitar Hero” box that had been severely water damaged.
“Relax,” said a clerk as he pushed the fighters apart. “I got another one that’s been run over by our delivery truck.” The customers brushed themselves off, shook hands, and took their merchandise to the check-out counter.
A female customer picked-up a printer that had been used as a display model. Although it appeared as if feces had been splattered on the product, it was marked 40% off. “For a deal this good,” she said, “I’ll overlook a little poop.”
A young man overheard the conversation and asked if there was any more shit for sale with shit on it. To his delight, he discovered an entire aisle of audio accessories that had been recently dumped on by either a bloated elk or a very large human. “Wow!” he exclaimed. “I can actually afford these headsets.”
As the day came to a close, a local photographer purchased a still camera without a viewfinder for a 30% discount. Included in the price was a tripod with only two legs, one of which glistened with a smear of fresh blood. Reminded by the cashier that items are sold “as is” and “all purchases are final,” the photographer just shrugged.
“I can always take this shit back to Wal-Mart.”