Fugitive Squirrel Lurking Somewhere in Neighborhood

PARMA, OHIO (TheSkunk.org) — A squirrel that evaded capture by law enforcement is still at large.

A gang of squirrels that stole a pile of nuts from a front yard on Hill Street yesterday were apprehended by Sheriff’s deputies early this morning, but one of them got away. The pilfered cache, consisting of twenty-three hickory nuts weighing approximately 8 ounces, was discovered missing from Jed Harper’s yard on Saturday.

“I’d seen them squirrels around here every day for ‘bout the last several months,” said Harper, a retired railroad worker  “I suspected they were casin’ the place. Then sure enough, I come outside yesterday to pick up my nuts and they was completely gone.”

Authorities said the band of squirrels had been wanted for a recent string of similar thefts in the area. The one squirrel that managed to escape is considered the ring leader, and deputies are currently combing the area to find it.

According to Sheriff Bryce Bolo, the fugitive rodent is “brown with tiny black eyes, long bushy tail and was last seen scampering up a tree.”

“Until we catch this little son-of-a-bitch,” advised Bolo, “all the good people of Parma should lock their doors, close their windows and call 9-1-1 if you notice your nuts are not where you thought they should be.”

“I don’t give a blast what happens to them thievin’ critters,” declared a frustrated Harper. “All I wanna know is when am I gonna see my damn nuts again?”

Harper cleared his throat, then coughed up a phlegm ball. “Dagnabit,” he added.