LOS ANGELES (TheSkunk.org) — A black widow spider residing at the 3700 block of Elm Street has issued a formal protest against homeowners Mr. and Mrs. Nelson for using deadly chemicals to exterminate hundreds of innocent arachnids.
“The international community should be united in opposition to these despotic killers and their weapons of mass destruction,” said the spider, who had devoured her own husband only days earlier. “But where is the outrage? Where is the fucking outrage?!”
Reporters verified the spider’s claims after finding two large empty cans of industrial strength Raid Spider and Scorpion Killer in their trash containers.
The Nelsons admitted using the poison gas, but claimed it was perfectly legal under the laws of their community.
“This stuff’s great,” exclaimed Mr. Nelson. “It kills spiders, beetles, ants, and the occasional raccoon.”
The spider attempted to rally its allies from the fly and cockroach worlds to attack the Nelsons in a show of defiance. Unfortunately, before the message could be delivered, she stopped to drink from a tasty looking droplet of some strange liquid that had puddled up on the concrete patio near the base of the house.
The spider curled up into a little ball, before being stepped on by a size-nine black leather shoe.