SACRAMENTO (TheSkunk.org) — In the midst of the worst drought ever recorded in the history of the Golden State, thirsty residents are turning to recycled urine dispensaries to quench themselves and their families. Businesses have sprouted up and down the state, processing human urine and bottling it for human consumption.
“It’s just like the astronauts drink,” quipped Clem Harloit, CEO of Golden Sprinkles Enterprises, one of the earliest companies to cash in on the demand for the purified human waste. “It’s pure water with absolutely no traces of urine taste — well, maybe just a little, but you get over that quickly.”
Experts predict California’s underground water tables will dry up within two years, leaving the nation’s most populous state virtually desiccated. Businesses like Golden Sprinkles are seen as the last desperate move to prevent statewide, mass dehydration of the population.
Lawmakers have ordered residents to relieve themselves into plastic bottles, which they are to place on their curbs for daily pickup. “In addition to everything else, it saves water, because you’re not flushing your pee anymore,” said one resident, who declined to be identified. “It forces us to recycle our used plastic bottles, and it produces drinking water that we otherwise wouldn’t have.”
A two-liter bottle of recycled urine sells for just under three dollars. Part of that price is a tax the state uses for research into more efficient ways to convert urine into drinkable water.
“We’re putting the infrastructure into place now,” said Harloit, “so even if and when the drought ever ends, we’ll still be producing water for generations to come.”
It’s all a matter of preserving our natural resources, he said.
Harloit took a swig from a bottle of his product and smacked his lips. “Delicious!” he exclaimed. “Once you get over the ‘ick’ factor, it doesn’t even bother you that you could be drinking your neighbor’s piss.”