Military Proposes ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Suck’ Policy
“We believe this rule will greatly reduce the amount of oral copulation occurring on the battlefield,” said Gates. “The United States can no longer afford to have our men in uniform mouth-fucking one another in time of war.”
More Skunk Nation
Gun Advocates Assert Right to Kill Things
“It’s our Second Amendment right to kill anything we want, at a time and place of our choosing,” said Thomas Crendelly, head of Gun Owners Against Laws Against Killing. “It’s time for gun owners to stand up and kill something without interference from politicians.”
Senator Wants Nation’s Jobless to be His Servants
“They should consider it an internship,” said Bunning. “They will learn the inner workings of my life — where I keep the toilet paper, for instance, and how I clip my toenails — while gaining valuable, real-world job experience.”
Americans Turn to Haiti for Medical Care
To stay alive, Arlindi knew he would have to travel to the devastated third-world country.
Racist Councilman Sues Himself for Slander
“I am not a racist,” he asserted, “just because I said I was a ‘racist’ – just because that was the word I used — doesn’t make me one, and I am not going to stand by in silence, as these injurious, defamatory comments sling freely from my unbridled mouth.”
Compulsive Masturbator Banned from Sperm Bank
Oliver Kertockum visited the clinic every day for the last three years. When he arrived last Friday, however, staffers refused to hand over the sterile collection cup, and instead demanded he seek professional help.
Voters Disappointed in Scott Brown’s Accomplishments in U.S. Senate
BOSTON — Ever since Scott Brown was elected on Tuesday to fill the Senate seat once held by Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts voters have expressed their overwhelming disappointment with his inability to acccomplish anything.
Airport Screener Finds Digested Tacos in Man’s Colon
LOS ANGELES — An alert security screener at LAX yesterday discovered the digested remains of two crunchy tacos concealed inside a passenger’s colon as he was preparing to board a flight for San Francisco.
Reid Apologizes to Negroes Everywhere
Senator Harry Reid apologized to “Negroes Everywhere” on Monday, for a racially charged remark he made in 2008 about then-Senator Barack Obama.
New TSA Rule: No Bombs in Carry-On
The TSA’s “Prohibited Items” list, which has been evolving since 9/11, forbids passengers from bringing certain potentially dangerous objects onto a plane, including axes and hatchets, cattle prods, crowbars, dynamite, fireworks, hand grenades and large bottles of shampoo, but until now, has never specifically prohibited bombs.
Neighbors Legalize Pot for Themselves
GRANADA HILLS, CA — On a quiet cul-de-sac in this sleepy Los Angeles suburb, neighbors have voted to legalize marijuana for their own personal use .
Kucinich Demands Recount
Over a year has passed since the 2008 presidential election, and Dennis Kucinich still thinks he won. “I am confident,” said Kucinich, “that once the American people examine the facts, they will agree that I am their president.”
Palin Fans Can’t Read Book
FORKS BEND, KY – Some fans of Sarah Palin were disappointed with the former Alaska Governor’s best seller, “Going Rogue,” when they realized they were unable to decipher its contents.
Joe Biden Crashes State Dinner
WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden exposed a breach in security last week when he showed up at a White House state dinner, uninvited.
Americans Flee to Guatemala to Escape Bleak Job Market
GUATEMALA CITY — John Wilson holds a PhD in physics and has worked in the aerospace industry for over thirty years. Today he is selling cheese-stuffed pupusas — a native Guatemalan delicacy — from the back of a burro-driven wagon.
Tell-All Book Trashes William Henry Harrison Administration
A new biography hitting bookstore shelves on Friday paints a dim portrait of President William Henry Harrison.
Employment Up for Stupid People
Employment among imbeciles and morons rose 10% in the 2nd quarter of 2009, according to a new report released today by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics.
Goodwill Bans Donations from Man with Bad Taste
OKALHOMA CITY — An information technology consultant was banned for life by Goodwill Industries from donating any more of his “crap.”
Roman Polanski: ‘I Thought She Was 13-and-a-Half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time.
Obama Warns of ‘Axis of Buffoonery’
President Obama today warned the world of the threat posed by leaders Hugo Chavez, Muammar al-Gaddafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whom he referred to as the “Axis of Buffoonery.”
Pie Donations Down at Clown Colleges
Despite the growing need, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S.
Preschoolers Re-Create 9/11
BOSTON — Using Legos and toy planes, a class of preschoolers re-created the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.
Charlton Heston’s Gun Taken from His ‘Cold, Dead Hands’
GLENDALE, CA — In keeping with the late actor’s wishes, Charlton Heston’s decaying remains were exhumed today, and a vintage 1874 military rifle — made famous in his “cold, dead hands” speech — was removed from his cold, dead hands.
Public Doubts ‘Official’ Account of Kennedy Death
BOSTON — Over 68% of Americans don’t believe the official government story that Senator Edward Kennedy died from a brain tumor, according to a survey released today.
Imaginary Friend ODs on Placebos
Four-year-old Billy Tipton’s best friend — an imaginary owl named Scabooboo — ovedosed last night on an entire make-believe bottle of placebos.
Hawaii Insists It’s ‘No Paradise’
HONOLULU — Troubled by its reputation as a tropical paradise, Hawaii is on a quest to change its image with a series of commercials showing the depraved side of the Aloha State.
NRA Donates Guns to Grade-Schoolers
The National Rifle Association plans to distribute free handguns to seven million American school children in grades K-3 as part of their 2nd Amendment education program, “Bang Bang, it’s Your Right!”
Congressman Legalizes Pot for Himself
WASHINGTON, DC — Congressman Sal Dennison (D-OH) successfully inserted an amendment into a House bill, which would legalize marijuana for his own personal use.
Insurance Lobby Denies Pay to Heckler Due to ‘Pre-Existing Ignorance’
BOZEMAN, MT — A powerful insurance lobby today denied compensation to a man it hired to disrupt a town hall meeting on healthcare reform, asserting that he had “pre-existing ignorance.”
Palin Baby to Be Sacrificed to Volcano Gods
ANCHORAGE — Sniglet Palin, three-year-old daughter of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is scheduled to be thrown into Mt. Redoubt, a 10,197-foot active volcano 103 miles west of Anchorage, to please the fire gods.
