DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — In a press conference last Friday, Dr. Lamont Dandle, head curator for the National Archives, announced that one of the remaining original, handwritten copies of the United States Constitution had been damaged beyond repair — and President Bush was to blame.
The document had been on loan to the White House, according to Dandle, and when it was returned, it was “soiled beyond recognition.”
It’s traditional for a president to ask to see the constitution. As a courtesy, the National Archives will send the document to the White House, along with three armed MP Officers to guard its safety. Usually, this occurs within the first weeks of a new administration, but President Bush decided to wait until he was almost out of office to look at the 230-year-old parchment.
“It’s always been returned to us within a day or two, in the same condition as it went out,” said Dandle, choking back tears as he explained to reporters the chain of events leading to the defilement of the most important document in U.S. History. “Last Friday, we received the constitution back at the Archives. It was no longer encased in its state-of-the-art, ten-million dollar, hermetically sealed glass container, but crumpled up inside a Zip-loc bag.”
Wearing surgical gloves, Brandle held the document up to show reporters where Article One, The Legislative Branch, was soiled with a brown, viscous substance. “This is exactly how it was returned to us,” said Dr. Dandle, who asserted the substance was presidential fecal matter. “This was one of only three originals that existed anywhere in the world.”
President Bush appeared on Fox News to deny the allegation. “I did not defecate on that document, the Constitution,” said Bush.
But DNA tests performed earlier in the week proved otherwise, positively indentifying the feces as coming from the bowels of Bush. “That’s when we noticed the semen stain,” said Dandle. “We at first assumed that the president had shit and ejaculated on the Constitution at the same time, but scientists at the FBI laboratory in Washington matched the semen to Vice President Dick Cheney.”
A somber Dandle said it was the worst day of his life. “After that, the discovery of [former Sec. of Defense] Donald Rumsfeld’s urine splatter, which practically washed all the ink off of the Eighth Amendment, protecting citizens from cruel and unusual punishment, didn’t even phase us.”
Before he concluded the briefing, Dr. Dandle showed reporters that the First Amendment was seemingly redacted in odiferous, yellow bile, combined with bits of carrots and pieces of a congressional subpoena, apparently coming from Karl Rove’s vomit.
Also on display was a small corner of the Constitution where John McCain blew his nose.
Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove and McCain, known by the media as the “Defecation Five,” have denied breaking any laws.
“It was only a few boogers,” said McCain. “I hope it won’t distract voters from the fact that I was the architect of the surge.”