PHILADELPHIA, PA – After completing his final term in office, Vice President Dick Cheney plans to build a theme park inspired by the infamous Baghdad prison complex. Located just outside Philadelphia, not far from Independence Hall, Fifty Flags Over Abu Ghraib will be an entertaining tribute to the administration of President George W. Bush.
“Running an amusement park seems a logical extension of my duties as vice president,” said Cheney. “Only this time I won’t be hindered by the rule of law.”
After entering the park through a tunnel in the shape of an oversized rifle barrel, visitors will arrive at a center hub where they will experience the first attraction, “The Toppler.” Guests will have an opportunity to topple a 50 foot replica of the Saddam Hussein statue that was destroyed in Baghdad. “As Saddam’s statue comes tumbling down,” said Cheney, “a statue of George Bush pops up in its place, everybody bows and a sign comes up that reads, ‘Mission Accomplished.’ It’s quite entertaining.”
A right turn down Humiliation Avenue leads you to “John McCain’s Pyramid Surge,” where two teams of male guests will strip naked and pile up upon their teammates in an attempt to build a higher pyramid than their opponents. Photographs will be taken and made available for purchase at the end of the competition, as well as posted on the Internet for international downloading.
Other rides and attractions include “Dick Cheney’s Interactive Shooting Gallery,” and “New Orleans Disaster,” where they will “accurately recreate the French Quarter during Hurricane Katrina,” said Cheney. “With the help of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, we are able to put it under twenty feet of water. When the water subsides we’ll have a hundred black actors scream things like, ‘Please help us, my mother needs her medication’ and ‘My baby is hungry, please send us food.’” Vice President Cheney laughed, “It’ll be a lot of fun.”
In the “Shit on the Constitution Water Flume,” guests board paper boats made from our founding documents and calmly sail into a huge model of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s external anal sphincter. “Guests are advised to wear their raincoats,” reads the prospective brochure, “because citizens will inevitably get sprinkled with Supreme Court fecal matter on the way toward the final drop.”
For that “final drop,” the boats exit Scalia’s mouth and careen over a 75 foot waterfall into “Flauntanamo Bay,” a manmade lake featuring an islet in the center, called “Enemy Combatant Island.”
“It’s one of the most exciting sections of the park,” according to Cheney. “It will be similar in concept to Tom Sawyer Island at Disneyland, except instead of voluntarily sailing there on a phony raft, guests will be arbitrarily plucked from the park at random, blindfolded and thrown into makeshift jail cells, without being told why.”
“The fun begins as they realize they have no idea where they are or when they will be released,” continued Cheney. “They might be in their cells for a few minutes, or the entire day. In some instances, we’ll keep ‘em in there for months and not even tell their families. We won’t charge them for additional days at the park, of course, but we will charge them with all sorts of whacky crimes. Who knows, we may even combine this with the water-boarding attraction.”
Attention to detail throughout the park will be impressive. Bathrooms are designed to be stocked with “Bill of Rights” toilet paper and restaurants offer military style meals provided by the Halliburton Corporation.
“There will be something here for the whole family,” said Cheney. “Especially if your family members are dillusionary, fascist war-mongers.”
Fifty Flags Over Abu Ghraib will be built with taxpayers’ money and the profits funneled into Cheney/Haliburton Enterprises, a Bahamas Corporation, through a complicated scheme utilizing off-shore banks, bribery, political favors and intimidation.