Obama Kills Elk with Bare Hands

YELLOWSTONE — The response to President Obama’s swatting of a fly with his open palm during an NBC interview was so overwhelming, it prompted him to seek out other animals to kill with his bare hands.

Surrounded by the press, the President ventured into Yellowstone National Park, where he came upon a herd of elk grazing in a field. “Watch this,” he told reporters, as he snuck up behind a quiet female, clenched his powerful hands around its neck and tightened his grasp until its vertebrae cracked with an audible snap.

“He doesn’t have healthcare,” quipped the President.

The reporters laughed and applauded as the animal’s lifeless carcass fell to the ground. Obama smiled as he asked the park ranger if there were any mountain lions nearby.

No cougars had been seen that morning, so the ranger escorted the President and his entourage to Yellowstone Lake, where they discovered a family of otters playing on a rock about twenty feet from the shore.  Obama waded into the lake, fully clothed. The water level approached his chin, as he carefully drew near the skittish mammals.

Frightened, the otters jumped into the water, but Obama dove in after them.  He emerged moments later with the baby otter clenched firmly in his teeth.  He grabbed it by its tail and swung it high over his head before slamming it forcefully onto the rock.  It lay there, motionless, its two dark marble eyes staring blankly at the sky.

“That otter do it,” joked the President, to the delight of the reporters.

He was about to swim back to the shore, when something darted by him in the water. He jabbed his hand into lake and — in a flash — pulled out a giant cutthroat trout.

He threw the fish toward the reporters, who responded with more laughter and applause.

“Thanks guys,” said Obama, as he boarded Marine One. “See you in D.C.”

The helicopter took off, transporting the President to the National Zoo for his next press conference.