Tea Party Offers Pledge to America

We as Republicans, under the guise of a separate entity known as the Tea Party, offer the following:

A Plan to Improve the Constitution

• We will repeal and replace the First Amendment with the Second.
• We will add Fox News as the newly created fourth branch of government.

A Plan to Improve Race Relations

• We will bring back the word “Negro.”

A Plan to Support Capitalism and the Free Market

• We will change the Motto of the United States to “Buyer Beware.”

A Plan to Keep our Nation Secure at Home & Abroad

• We will convert all Muslims to Christianity to thwart their attempts to take over the world.
• We will employ Rand Paul’s bodyguards to stomp on the heads of people we don’t like.

A Plan for Gays and Lesbians

• We will declare homosexuality a disease and prohibit gay people from marrying until there’s a cure.

A Plan to Stop Out of Control Spending & Reduce the Size of Government

• We will prohibit government intrusions into the lives of people who make over $250,000 a year.

A Plan to Support Issues Important to Woman

• We will appoint Newt Gingrich to fill position as first “Women’s Health Czar.”
• We will affirm that life begins at ejaculation.
• We will appoint Justice Clarence Thomas to fill position as first “Porn Czar.”
• We will declare Bristol Palin the winner of Dancing with the Stars.
• We will provide makeover for Sharron Angle so she looks more like Christine O’Donnell and Sarah Palin and less like a shriveled apple witch doll.

We will uphold our principles and fight for all American’s, be they white, caucasian, male or Christian.