HIGGINSVILLE, NJ (TheSkunk.org) — The ghost of terrorist Osama bin Laden has taken up residence in the home of the Armer family, where it has attempted to terrorize the entire household with an assortment of mischievous tricks.
The spirit of the deceased Al Qaeda leader has reportedly been living in the basement of the suburban house ever since he was killed by Special Forces and subsequently dumped overboard into the Indian Ocean.
According to James Armer, the ghost routinely commandeers the children’s toy planes and Hot Wheels cars and “flings them” into bathroom doors, trash cans and stacks of Legos. At other times, the semi-translucent specter has been seen just “hanging out around our house.”
“Yesterday I walked in on him in the family room, where we keep our DVD collection,” stated Armer. “He was sitting on the sofa with his long grey beard and white robe, masturbating to ‘The Hurt Locker.'”
“And he stinks of rotten fish,” complained Armer’s wife, Darlene. “I don’t know how many times I’ve had to spray the carpets with Fabreze.”
Aside from being struck in the head now and then by an airborne Lego block, Armer said the haunting is “mostly annoying.” He has asked the U.S. government to intervene.
In response, President Obama has deployed the Navy Seals Paranormal Unit to bring the apparition to justice. “How many times do we have to kill this motherfucker,” asked one of the Seals, as he prepped his anti-ektoplasmatic phaser gun.
“He’s not scary, at all,” noted Billy Armer, 9. “I just wish he would stop breaking all my stuff.”
The elder Armer laughed. “The world’s number one terrorist is now the world’s most un-terrifying ghost,” he added. “How’s that for irony?”