MCLEAN, VA — Newt Gingrich has announced plans to marry the seventh wife of slain terrorist Osama bin Laden, 19-year-old Durriya Habou bin Laden.
Gingrich, who is currently in his third marriage, made the announcement in an interview on CNN, where he acknowledged the move may hurt him politically.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life,” admitted the former House Speaker, “but I have no doubts that Durriya will make a terrific wife. She has everything going for her: she’s obedient, submissive, and attracted to powerful, yet unpopular men who want to force their discredited philosophies on the world.”
Though he’s never met the future Mrs. Gingrich in person, he acknowledged it was her blurry, partially charred passport photo that first made his “loins tingle.”
“Bin Laden was a lucky guy,” said Gingrich, who recently announced his presidential candidacy. “That is, until we killed him and threw him into the ocean.”
Virginia law makes it legal to marry the widow of an international terrorist as long as he’s been gunned down by a member of the U.S. military and buried at sea.
Reporters asked Gingrich if, after three failed marriages, he thinks this is the one that will last. “Probably not,” he responded. “I’m sure some day I’ll look back at this and wonder what the hell I was thinking.”
Until then, Gingrich plans to have the bin Laden widow move in with him “as soon as I get her through customs, teach her English and get her deloused.”
He also plans to “nudge her” into Christianity, and has enlisted none other than former Arkansas Governor and ordained minister Mike Huckabee to perform the conversion. “We’re going to perform her baptism while waterboarding her,” explained Huckabee. “She’ll commit herself to Christ while revealing important information about her dead husband’s terror network — we kill two birds with one stone.”
With Gingrich’s announcement that he is running for president, many in the media are questioning whether the former Mrs. bin Laden will appeal to American voters. “She’ll make a terrific first lady,” he said. “Much better than that Nigerian welfare mother we got in there now.”
The 68-year-old GOP leader has yet to break the news to his current wife, Callista Gingrich. “She’s going in for root canal surgery on Tuesday,” he noted. “I think I’ll spring it on her after she’s a little gassed up.”