New Predictions Follow Rapture Fizzle

Although you may be disappointed that Reverend Camping’s May 21 doomsday deadline came and went, and those annoying prosylethesizers down the street are still walking the Earth — body parts intact — rest assured your day is yet to come.

Here’s a handy list of future world events that are certain to leave you with at least as much fulfillment as that Rapture thing:

  • June 4th: THE RUPTURE — Humanity will be engulfed in one giant hiatal hernia.
  • July 22nd: THE FLAPTURE — People wearing long john underwear will have the sudden urge to use an outhouse.
  • August 14th: THE VELOCIRAPTURE — Dinosaurs will emerge from the ground and become extinct again due to global warming.
  • September 18th: THE CLAPTURE — This one’s not pretty. Stock up on penicillin.
  • October 19th: THE APERTURE — Everyone will suddenly look like their driver’s license photo.
  • October 31st: THE PUNKTURE — Everyone will suddenly be wearing a Ramones T-Shirt and safety pins in their earlobes.
  • November 20th: THE LAPTURE — Married men will mysteriously find themselves straddled by undulating exotic dancers.
  • December 25th: THE SPHINCTURE — It will be revealed that all our neighborhoods have been purchased by Donald Trump.